Jeeeez Bloggy I am so sorry I have really really neglected you..
(Big Blog Cuddles)
Things have been so manic here, after my last post --- my sisters baby was fine, my cousin and her fella are still separated and she is dealing with it really well considering.
I have been in hospital too. Went in on the Friday morning after a night of agony awake and well, they had me tested, x rayed, ECG'd and wired up on a drip on the clinical admissions unit within 3 hours of going in. Apparently I had a very inflamed gallbladder, which no doubt explains all the intense pain I was suffering with. I was on a saline, antibiotic and paracetamol drip for about 36 hours during which I was totally nil-by-mouth and then after two nights in I managed to convince the Dr I would rest at home. He was so insistent about keeping me in especially as my blood pressure was low but I talked him round with a few tears and promises.
I have now been put on his consultancy list and am going for another ultrasound scan 6th Oct and then I am hoping it should be pretty quick to getting the op. He estimated in hospital 6-8 weeks and its nearly 2 now so I should be chopped before Christmas. Fingers crossed everyone.
Soooo... Well after I got home I spent a week bored out my brain but so dosed up I did little more than rest, sleep, rest and learnt to crochet. Random I know but it has kept me occupied.
Not a lot has been happening, feel like I have lost touch with a few people but with the hospital admission and then this last 3 days being cut off the internet and the depression which surprisingly enough went through the roof during my being laid up I have been a bit isolated.
My Open Uni course officially begins this weekend, I have to admit I am very worried about making a big screw up of it all despite outside appearances I am sh@t scared of failing again after last years debacle. I am almost scared to start it which is a sure fire way to shoot it up in flames.
Anyhow I am still alive, I am still suffering with the wonderful.. Oh I am tired.. go to bed... Oh hell I cannot sleep... get up again.
I haven't a lot else to share with you really Bloggy, I guess this is as exciting as it gets for me right now lol.
Big Loves
x
Thursday 30 September 2010
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Snowballs
Hello Bloggy,
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
Saturday 11 September 2010
Paper moon and candyfloss clouds
Hello Bloggy,
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
Tuesday 7 September 2010
....
Hey Bloggy,
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Friday 3 September 2010
HONESTY
Jeeeeeeeez... If I don't share my worries I won't be able to deal with them. That is why I started this blog in the first flaming place...
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
Hmm the head vs reality
Hello Bloggy,
Im back and feeling a bit more with it. Yeah stuff is still happening but I am sleeping more which makes me turn from little miss manic depressive whingy to a slightly more 'normal' person. Well as normal as I ever get anyway.
The gallbladder pain eased off a bit and although I am still getting bursts of pain from it the crazy whole weekend of agnoy and sleep depriving pain has eased which is a wonderful thing. Ironically I got the first period in about 2 or 3 years on Tuesday which has caused lots of pain but its different..lol.
I have used different contraceptives to control my periods for a long time and the last one was Depo-Provera, It has a wonderful side effect of actually stopping your periods, although be careful I didn't know until afterward's it can have a bad impact on fertility. Anyway now I am having a proper period which reminds me why I hated them in the first place but oh, well.
It makes me feel jealous of men, not only can they pee anywhere (pretty much) but don't have periods,... hmm!
I have had a meeting with my work today, seeing both the occupational health nurse and the HR big guy. I was petrified of going to the point I felt sick this morning and was having strong self harm thoughts all night long. Baddd.
It actually was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. My Occ Health lady was very supportive and told me about her son who has severe depression so she has a good understanding of how it affects someones life. I was totally honest with her and told her I was very frightened about the meeting and she could not have been nicer. Typical depression head there, telling me the worst as usual. The HR man discussed my work problems and assured me issues where being dealt with, he even praised my work and emphasised how much they want me back but in a healthy way. He asked me to speak openly and I took that chance and told him about my worries in the department, the problems I see and then asked him the big question...
Are you going to sack me?
He laughed and rushed to reassure me NO. I was relieved, I know I have spoken about not wanting to return there but being back today made me realise how much I miss everyone and the place. He and the nurse both agreed though I was not anywhere near ready to return yet and are going to arrange a fortnightly meeting with me and nursey to discuss and monitor my progress and keep open better communication. Thats a bit relief as I have felt as if they where disregarding me as contact has been so little.
So, feeling good about that.
Worried about something else, but its not me if I am not worried. I wont share that here though...
Hugs xx
Im back and feeling a bit more with it. Yeah stuff is still happening but I am sleeping more which makes me turn from little miss manic depressive whingy to a slightly more 'normal' person. Well as normal as I ever get anyway.
The gallbladder pain eased off a bit and although I am still getting bursts of pain from it the crazy whole weekend of agnoy and sleep depriving pain has eased which is a wonderful thing. Ironically I got the first period in about 2 or 3 years on Tuesday which has caused lots of pain but its different..lol.
I have used different contraceptives to control my periods for a long time and the last one was Depo-Provera, It has a wonderful side effect of actually stopping your periods, although be careful I didn't know until afterward's it can have a bad impact on fertility. Anyway now I am having a proper period which reminds me why I hated them in the first place but oh, well.
It makes me feel jealous of men, not only can they pee anywhere (pretty much) but don't have periods,... hmm!
I have had a meeting with my work today, seeing both the occupational health nurse and the HR big guy. I was petrified of going to the point I felt sick this morning and was having strong self harm thoughts all night long. Baddd.
It actually was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. My Occ Health lady was very supportive and told me about her son who has severe depression so she has a good understanding of how it affects someones life. I was totally honest with her and told her I was very frightened about the meeting and she could not have been nicer. Typical depression head there, telling me the worst as usual. The HR man discussed my work problems and assured me issues where being dealt with, he even praised my work and emphasised how much they want me back but in a healthy way. He asked me to speak openly and I took that chance and told him about my worries in the department, the problems I see and then asked him the big question...
Are you going to sack me?
He laughed and rushed to reassure me NO. I was relieved, I know I have spoken about not wanting to return there but being back today made me realise how much I miss everyone and the place. He and the nurse both agreed though I was not anywhere near ready to return yet and are going to arrange a fortnightly meeting with me and nursey to discuss and monitor my progress and keep open better communication. Thats a bit relief as I have felt as if they where disregarding me as contact has been so little.
So, feeling good about that.
Worried about something else, but its not me if I am not worried. I wont share that here though...
Hugs xx
Monday 30 August 2010
Frustration
Hello Blog,
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Saturday 28 August 2010
Brrrrrrrrr
Oooo I don't know if it is just me but it seems to be a little bit chilly this evening. Although, then again it is August bank holiday weekend.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Thursday 26 August 2010
And life goes on...
It is easy for me to become overwhelmed in my own self pity and forget the positive things happening around me and also to me.
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
Saturday 21 August 2010
How can something so amazing cause so much pain?
Well I am an Auntie.
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
Friday 20 August 2010
Induced emotions
Apologies first of all little bloggy this week has been a bit roller coaster like and i have neglected you. ((hugs))
I have been filling in forms for the open university so I can get me ass back in to gear and study again and do something positive and enjoyable. Its quite a wierd thing really filling in a form for Disabled Students Allowance when you have depression. The new addition of depression onto the disabled category of those statutes is quite a good and scary thing at the same time, anyhow after a long think and a chat with an Open Uni chappy and I find I am entitled to a mentor, someone to assist me in those dark times when i struggle. Bonus. Just need to see my GP and sort out his bit next week and on we go..
Suffered with a lot of pain this last week too. Although I do have my abdominal scan on Monday evening next week. I am terrified though they will do it and after all this time, all this pain and suffering they find that there is nothing there. In fact as twisted as it sounds I would sooner they find something serious than nothing at all as at least then we can do something about it or at least I will know why it hurts so much.
And now should we move on to the topic which may explain the heading...
I think so. For those of you that have read me before will maybe know my little sister got married last September and is now in the late stages of pregnancy. She has had numerous problems with Gestational Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Protein traces in her urine etc..
Today she went in to see her Midwife and Doctor and her latest protein results are very high, despite the Doctor's mumblings the midwife kicked him to touch and they told her to go fetch her bag she was going in to be induced this afternoon. She knew it would be an induced birth due to the problems but expected another week at least so its sent her, her husband and all the family a bit gaga tbh.
She was induced around half one this afternoon and had a few twinges, she was meant to get another inducement pill thingy at 8.30 tonight but they have decided against it and are looking at breaking her waters now. (just been informed). This is my mothers first grandchild so she is sitting on the edge of her sofa at home unable to settle. She will be going for the birth when it gets closer.
You know, its all great and I am excited for her but I cant help but to admit I have a slight twinge of jealousy deep down inside. I would love to have children so very very much. For me though I wont have such a straightforward chance if I finally have someone who loves me enough and feels comfortable enough with me to go through the medical ordeal a child for me will entail.
Still I will soon be an Auntie and a Godmother for the third time.
This life takes things from us and breaks our hearts and then drops little miracles into the world..
I have been filling in forms for the open university so I can get me ass back in to gear and study again and do something positive and enjoyable. Its quite a wierd thing really filling in a form for Disabled Students Allowance when you have depression. The new addition of depression onto the disabled category of those statutes is quite a good and scary thing at the same time, anyhow after a long think and a chat with an Open Uni chappy and I find I am entitled to a mentor, someone to assist me in those dark times when i struggle. Bonus. Just need to see my GP and sort out his bit next week and on we go..
Suffered with a lot of pain this last week too. Although I do have my abdominal scan on Monday evening next week. I am terrified though they will do it and after all this time, all this pain and suffering they find that there is nothing there. In fact as twisted as it sounds I would sooner they find something serious than nothing at all as at least then we can do something about it or at least I will know why it hurts so much.
And now should we move on to the topic which may explain the heading...
I think so. For those of you that have read me before will maybe know my little sister got married last September and is now in the late stages of pregnancy. She has had numerous problems with Gestational Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Protein traces in her urine etc..
Today she went in to see her Midwife and Doctor and her latest protein results are very high, despite the Doctor's mumblings the midwife kicked him to touch and they told her to go fetch her bag she was going in to be induced this afternoon. She knew it would be an induced birth due to the problems but expected another week at least so its sent her, her husband and all the family a bit gaga tbh.
She was induced around half one this afternoon and had a few twinges, she was meant to get another inducement pill thingy at 8.30 tonight but they have decided against it and are looking at breaking her waters now. (just been informed). This is my mothers first grandchild so she is sitting on the edge of her sofa at home unable to settle. She will be going for the birth when it gets closer.
You know, its all great and I am excited for her but I cant help but to admit I have a slight twinge of jealousy deep down inside. I would love to have children so very very much. For me though I wont have such a straightforward chance if I finally have someone who loves me enough and feels comfortable enough with me to go through the medical ordeal a child for me will entail.
Still I will soon be an Auntie and a Godmother for the third time.
This life takes things from us and breaks our hearts and then drops little miracles into the world..
Saturday 14 August 2010
The postman...
Hello Blog,
Strange things have been happening since I have been sick off work, which is now nearly cracking on for 3 month, maybe a bit longer to be honest I have lost all concept of time.
My employers have lacked on the contact and support front but things have been changing. I have had a 1% payrise, I have had an offer of free private healthcare and today I have received a 'Peoples Questionnaire'... WTF...
It is meant to be anonymous but it has my department recorded on the top ( my department is only 6 people) also a reference number and all that jazz. I have to complete whether I strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly agree with the statements. These cover all areas from the working environment such as do I have safe storage etc, to management i.e. is my manager good basically and lots of other things inbetween.
I find this all a bit disconcerting, naturally my depression is making me paranoid and I get very suspicious of people and their motives but this is odd. I have been with the company for 5 1/2yrs and have never heard of this before and apparently the results and actions will be published to all employees. My trust is very slim anyway I find it hard to believe anyone, in particular my work really gives a damn about what I think.
Freaky.
On the more positive side I have re-applied to the Open Uni to work on my degree (AGAIN). I completed my level 1 Intro to social science two years ago and then moved onto Business and Economics which I soon had to give up due to work, lack of motivation and all such things. However I have signed up to do a level 2 course in Welfare, Society and Crime and am linking it into a BA in Social Policy and Criminology.
Not only does this subject fascinate me, I devour crime books both fact and fiction and anything about another culture and a persons experiences, but I also think this could be a positive step into moving into an area of work I have only dreamed about.
Maybe I will be fortunate enough to move into working with young offenders, community projects or even rehabilitation centre's.
A girl can dream.
The meeting with the CMHT's employment advisor actually went really well. She is very friendly and spoke to me on an even platform rather than that condescending way some of the mental health proffession seem to adopt. We discussed my problems at work and how she can support me if I decide to return even to the extent of meeting with me and my employers to arrange suitable adjustments. I explained how ashamed I feel for being off work and she reassured me that depression is a real illness and if my doctor views me as unable to work no one can dispute it.
Silly really I have had depression for over ten years now and when I hit these lows which seem to inevitably crop up every two to three years I still struggle to accept it. I have a big issue with self pity and blaming myself for things.
Anyway I have a booklet to fill in covering everything from positive affirmations to noting my current skills and even considering volunteering which would be a good way to get experience in a different working environment and could help with my course.
Anyway, I am all grubby from housework and finally rejecting the dead plants from my doorstep, I suppose them being there for a year is enough... lol..
Bubbly bath time now... xx
Strange things have been happening since I have been sick off work, which is now nearly cracking on for 3 month, maybe a bit longer to be honest I have lost all concept of time.
My employers have lacked on the contact and support front but things have been changing. I have had a 1% payrise, I have had an offer of free private healthcare and today I have received a 'Peoples Questionnaire'... WTF...
It is meant to be anonymous but it has my department recorded on the top ( my department is only 6 people) also a reference number and all that jazz. I have to complete whether I strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly agree with the statements. These cover all areas from the working environment such as do I have safe storage etc, to management i.e. is my manager good basically and lots of other things inbetween.
I find this all a bit disconcerting, naturally my depression is making me paranoid and I get very suspicious of people and their motives but this is odd. I have been with the company for 5 1/2yrs and have never heard of this before and apparently the results and actions will be published to all employees. My trust is very slim anyway I find it hard to believe anyone, in particular my work really gives a damn about what I think.
Freaky.
On the more positive side I have re-applied to the Open Uni to work on my degree (AGAIN). I completed my level 1 Intro to social science two years ago and then moved onto Business and Economics which I soon had to give up due to work, lack of motivation and all such things. However I have signed up to do a level 2 course in Welfare, Society and Crime and am linking it into a BA in Social Policy and Criminology.
Not only does this subject fascinate me, I devour crime books both fact and fiction and anything about another culture and a persons experiences, but I also think this could be a positive step into moving into an area of work I have only dreamed about.
Maybe I will be fortunate enough to move into working with young offenders, community projects or even rehabilitation centre's.
A girl can dream.
The meeting with the CMHT's employment advisor actually went really well. She is very friendly and spoke to me on an even platform rather than that condescending way some of the mental health proffession seem to adopt. We discussed my problems at work and how she can support me if I decide to return even to the extent of meeting with me and my employers to arrange suitable adjustments. I explained how ashamed I feel for being off work and she reassured me that depression is a real illness and if my doctor views me as unable to work no one can dispute it.
Silly really I have had depression for over ten years now and when I hit these lows which seem to inevitably crop up every two to three years I still struggle to accept it. I have a big issue with self pity and blaming myself for things.
Anyway I have a booklet to fill in covering everything from positive affirmations to noting my current skills and even considering volunteering which would be a good way to get experience in a different working environment and could help with my course.
Anyway, I am all grubby from housework and finally rejecting the dead plants from my doorstep, I suppose them being there for a year is enough... lol..
Bubbly bath time now... xx
Wednesday 11 August 2010
Baking Again
Got the ingredients out, dusted off the cookery book and created this scrummy delicacy today..
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| Starting Point |
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| Heating the fruit, butter and sugar |
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| All mixed ingredients |
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| In the tin |
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| Yum yum yum |
Its a Windy Wednesday
Hey Folks,
I sometimes think that no one reads this but you know it doesn't really matter.
Whats happened since the weekend;
I have a new mobile a Nokia 5800 Xpress Music which is funky and annoying at the same time (new phones often are, I tend to get really comfy with them and then my contracts ready for an upgrade and I cant resist the urge of something new and so it goes on).
My Jinx cat has had the all clear from the vets, he has to stay on specialist food now for life but thats a small price to pay in the whole scheme of things.
I have taken to using a blank word processor document to list the things i have to do everyday. Starting with them in red and slowly changing to green on completion. Its a nice way to see I have achieved things each day and as they are fairly simple to achieve such as 'Take Jinx to Vets', I am feeling positive. I even add things after they have been done as it goes to show although I often feel I am getting nowhere I have done something.
I have applied for a job, just a simple one but I sent in my CV and the letter last night so that too is a real step in the right direction. I am hoping to get a Job offer so I can finally hand in my notice on my current job get out of this sick depressive phase and start again.
I have started a mini eBay empire. Thanks to the motivation of a close friend I have taken the first steps in this by selling off a few items I have at home and am now waiting for some orders to arrive so I can sell more. I am aiming at the adult market and hoping that could maybe be a positive for my future also.
I am getting on well with my parents, I have a massive issue with my dad and feeling I am not ever good enough for him. He does not understand depression and with my being off work I feel I am a failure and an embarrassment to him. Although getting honest about this feeling has led to me finding this is not the case at all. Although it is still pretty hard to accept this, it is almost like a stick i frequently use to beat myself with...
Oh and I have a yummy fruit cake in the oven...
Piccies in the next post
xx
I sometimes think that no one reads this but you know it doesn't really matter.
Whats happened since the weekend;
I have a new mobile a Nokia 5800 Xpress Music which is funky and annoying at the same time (new phones often are, I tend to get really comfy with them and then my contracts ready for an upgrade and I cant resist the urge of something new and so it goes on).
My Jinx cat has had the all clear from the vets, he has to stay on specialist food now for life but thats a small price to pay in the whole scheme of things.
I have taken to using a blank word processor document to list the things i have to do everyday. Starting with them in red and slowly changing to green on completion. Its a nice way to see I have achieved things each day and as they are fairly simple to achieve such as 'Take Jinx to Vets', I am feeling positive. I even add things after they have been done as it goes to show although I often feel I am getting nowhere I have done something.
I have applied for a job, just a simple one but I sent in my CV and the letter last night so that too is a real step in the right direction. I am hoping to get a Job offer so I can finally hand in my notice on my current job get out of this sick depressive phase and start again.
I have started a mini eBay empire. Thanks to the motivation of a close friend I have taken the first steps in this by selling off a few items I have at home and am now waiting for some orders to arrive so I can sell more. I am aiming at the adult market and hoping that could maybe be a positive for my future also.
I am getting on well with my parents, I have a massive issue with my dad and feeling I am not ever good enough for him. He does not understand depression and with my being off work I feel I am a failure and an embarrassment to him. Although getting honest about this feeling has led to me finding this is not the case at all. Although it is still pretty hard to accept this, it is almost like a stick i frequently use to beat myself with...
Oh and I have a yummy fruit cake in the oven...
Piccies in the next post
xx
Saturday 7 August 2010
Puss Cat is home
Well, since yesterdays post I have fetched home Jinx cat and spent most of the night running round after him. He came home in a big blue victorian collar, one of those big cone things if your not sure what I mean and was still heavily sedated.
As a result he had no sense of balance and was walking around like he was on ice and bumping into things, falling off the sofa and getting stuck trying to enter his covered litter tray. I rushed round making adjustments for him and throwing away his dry biscuits which he is no longer allowed.
Anyone wanting any Iams and Whiskas let me know I have recently bought lots in reduced price offers and he isn't allowed it anymore.
After chatting to my sponsor and seeing him struggle so much getting around the house and looking so, so depressed the collar was off. He was immediately much happier and although still unsteady he was able to drink without drowning himself at the same time.
Now, well now he is sat across from me in the living room, his big sedated eyes are going back to normal size, he has had a good clean and not bothering his sore bits at all. He is having lots of little wees but doesn't seem to be straining like he was prior to the blockage plus having had a catheter in he may well feel like he has a fuller bladder more.
The costs; Well I was fairly surprised to be honest knowing the primary consultation was a minimum of £90 I was preparing myself to be charged £300+ but it came to just over £180. Ok, admittedly not cheap but worth every single penny in my opinion. The special food though that is going to be the big killer. He has to have it for roughly six months but once this has occurred the chance of it happening again is high so it is recommended they stay on the food for life.
£9 for 9 pouches of meat from the vets and he will need two of those a day. A big of time and google has lead me to find some cheaper suppliers but still we are talking of at least a tripling in his normal food costs.
He is worth it though. It is so good to have him home, I spent most of the night awake checking on him and watching him sleep on the bed next to me.
Its all looking up...
As a result he had no sense of balance and was walking around like he was on ice and bumping into things, falling off the sofa and getting stuck trying to enter his covered litter tray. I rushed round making adjustments for him and throwing away his dry biscuits which he is no longer allowed.
Anyone wanting any Iams and Whiskas let me know I have recently bought lots in reduced price offers and he isn't allowed it anymore.
After chatting to my sponsor and seeing him struggle so much getting around the house and looking so, so depressed the collar was off. He was immediately much happier and although still unsteady he was able to drink without drowning himself at the same time.
Now, well now he is sat across from me in the living room, his big sedated eyes are going back to normal size, he has had a good clean and not bothering his sore bits at all. He is having lots of little wees but doesn't seem to be straining like he was prior to the blockage plus having had a catheter in he may well feel like he has a fuller bladder more.
The costs; Well I was fairly surprised to be honest knowing the primary consultation was a minimum of £90 I was preparing myself to be charged £300+ but it came to just over £180. Ok, admittedly not cheap but worth every single penny in my opinion. The special food though that is going to be the big killer. He has to have it for roughly six months but once this has occurred the chance of it happening again is high so it is recommended they stay on the food for life.
£9 for 9 pouches of meat from the vets and he will need two of those a day. A big of time and google has lead me to find some cheaper suppliers but still we are talking of at least a tripling in his normal food costs.
He is worth it though. It is so good to have him home, I spent most of the night awake checking on him and watching him sleep on the bed next to me.
Its all looking up...
Friday 6 August 2010
Poorly Puss Cat
Had to rush my cat into the emergency vets at 2am Thursday morning. He had been trying to wee all night and he didnt seem to be able to. Close inspection found he was dripping wee and constantly trying to clean his 'boy bits'.
A quick google and spotting the words 'urinary problems in cats can be fatal' and i was zooming my way to the emergency vet clinic with a very subdued cat in tow. For a cat that normally cries and meows whenever he goes in a car he was soooo quiet.
Once at the vets the lovely lady rushed us through and checked him over as he proceeded to spot bits of pee all over her table and her t shirt... whoops. Turns out he had a blocked bladder, something to do with crystals in his urine and apparently its not unusual in male neutered cats.
Had to abandon my poor baby with her while she sedated him and cleared the blockage and popped in a catheter.
Went to see him yesterday afternoon and his notes said 'VERY GRUMPY', lol well i think any man would be if he had a collar round his neck and a pipe shoved down his... 'boy bits'. His little bits where bright red and he was all wet round his rear which was driving him mad as he couldnt clean.
Was meant to be fetching him at 4pm this afternoon but they have had to sedate him to remove the catheter as he is really lashing out at them. Surprising.. I think NOT!
Anyway ten minutes and I can go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He has to be monitored closely and have a special diet but i should find out more today. I am expecting him to be a bit grumpy with me for a while and probably slope off into a quiet corner and recover until he is feeling safer.
Odd, i only said the other day I was going to let his pet insurance lapse as I hadn't used it and am short on money. It runs out at midnight tonight, so as soon as i got home from the vets i renewed it £79 for Gold cover. I have to pay all the costs myself then claim it back but with only a £75 excess. Not bad when the cost of an emergency consultation is £90 before any treatment.
Dare not think how much it is going to be emergency consultation, 1 1/2 nights in the surgery, 2 sedation's, pain killers, catheter, unblocking of wee hole etc... Oh and a special diet for life to prevent it happening again...
Thank god for credit cards and insurance!
*excitedly grabs car keys and rushes to the vets*
A quick google and spotting the words 'urinary problems in cats can be fatal' and i was zooming my way to the emergency vet clinic with a very subdued cat in tow. For a cat that normally cries and meows whenever he goes in a car he was soooo quiet.
Once at the vets the lovely lady rushed us through and checked him over as he proceeded to spot bits of pee all over her table and her t shirt... whoops. Turns out he had a blocked bladder, something to do with crystals in his urine and apparently its not unusual in male neutered cats.
Had to abandon my poor baby with her while she sedated him and cleared the blockage and popped in a catheter.
Went to see him yesterday afternoon and his notes said 'VERY GRUMPY', lol well i think any man would be if he had a collar round his neck and a pipe shoved down his... 'boy bits'. His little bits where bright red and he was all wet round his rear which was driving him mad as he couldnt clean.
Was meant to be fetching him at 4pm this afternoon but they have had to sedate him to remove the catheter as he is really lashing out at them. Surprising.. I think NOT!
Anyway ten minutes and I can go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He has to be monitored closely and have a special diet but i should find out more today. I am expecting him to be a bit grumpy with me for a while and probably slope off into a quiet corner and recover until he is feeling safer.
Odd, i only said the other day I was going to let his pet insurance lapse as I hadn't used it and am short on money. It runs out at midnight tonight, so as soon as i got home from the vets i renewed it £79 for Gold cover. I have to pay all the costs myself then claim it back but with only a £75 excess. Not bad when the cost of an emergency consultation is £90 before any treatment.
Dare not think how much it is going to be emergency consultation, 1 1/2 nights in the surgery, 2 sedation's, pain killers, catheter, unblocking of wee hole etc... Oh and a special diet for life to prevent it happening again...
Thank god for credit cards and insurance!
*excitedly grabs car keys and rushes to the vets*
Sunday 1 August 2010
Long time no see...
Time for an update I think. Its been a little while and a lot has happened in my life since I last blogged.
My Aunt passed away from her cancer and we have the funeral this coming Thursday. Its odd at the minute it doesn't feel all that real but I know that the funeral will change all that. So, Thursday will be a traumatic and emotional day.
I also spent a morning in A&E myself with my back/side pain. Blood tests, painkillers and urine tests followed and after a period of four hours they still had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I am waiting until the 23rd August for a full abdominal scan and praying like mad that they can find the cause for this pain. Its frustrating as I will manage for a day without any pain and then it comes back slowly engaging itself until it takes over everything. It makes it hard to concentrate, impossible to sleep and generally pisses me off to be blunt.
I have also had an assessment at the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team). After 101 questions ranging from sleep disturbances to suicidal thoughts etc. The outcome, well I would benefit from some counselling although due to the mess the Labour government left this country in I now have to wait four months before I can see anyone. Lets hope the suicidal urges don't take over in the meantime eh..
Despite the cynical mood I am seeing someone called a Mental Health Employment Advisor, which I have been told is a glorified careers advisor with thorough knowledge of the issues involved in the work place for people with mental health issues. Lets hope they can help as I know returning to my current place of work is a non starter.
Ahhh its all good fun, or character building as they say...
My Aunt passed away from her cancer and we have the funeral this coming Thursday. Its odd at the minute it doesn't feel all that real but I know that the funeral will change all that. So, Thursday will be a traumatic and emotional day.
I also spent a morning in A&E myself with my back/side pain. Blood tests, painkillers and urine tests followed and after a period of four hours they still had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I am waiting until the 23rd August for a full abdominal scan and praying like mad that they can find the cause for this pain. Its frustrating as I will manage for a day without any pain and then it comes back slowly engaging itself until it takes over everything. It makes it hard to concentrate, impossible to sleep and generally pisses me off to be blunt.
I have also had an assessment at the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team). After 101 questions ranging from sleep disturbances to suicidal thoughts etc. The outcome, well I would benefit from some counselling although due to the mess the Labour government left this country in I now have to wait four months before I can see anyone. Lets hope the suicidal urges don't take over in the meantime eh..
Despite the cynical mood I am seeing someone called a Mental Health Employment Advisor, which I have been told is a glorified careers advisor with thorough knowledge of the issues involved in the work place for people with mental health issues. Lets hope they can help as I know returning to my current place of work is a non starter.
Ahhh its all good fun, or character building as they say...
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Strange Days
Well it has been a strange couple of days. Yesterday I returned to my GP confessed my severe depressive symptoms and was re-assured that it is perfectly normal to want to kill yourself when you increase anti-depressants. Now correct me if I am wrong but that seems a very peculiar side effect for anti-depressants.
I also have a third kidney infection in three months. I wish I knew what was causing them, I mean if I was bouncing with a bunny every night it would make sense but I am not (mores the pity). Anyway more antibiotics so I am now feeling sick too. If this recurs I have been assured they will be doing a full ultrasound investigation. I personally am convinced that this pain is caused by Kidney Stones not an infection, particularly as I was shown today both red and white blood cells have been present in my urine on both previous occasions. I bet your really pleased to learn about my urine eh.. lol.
Sunday I was told my Aunt Majorie who has her third dose of cancer is very very sick. The planned operation will not be going ahead and they where considering the benefits of chemo again. Monday afternoon I found out this is not the case anymore. A Doctors visit has confirmed what I think we all knew but none of us wanted to acknowledge, she has a matter of days to go. No treatment other than morphine is advised now. My mum is heartbroken as this is her second sister to die/be dying from cancer. I haven't been able to shed a tear although I am assuming this is the power of my pills taking the edge off things for me.
To make matters worse my Mums cat was killed Monday morning. During breakfast my Dad stood up to see her lying on the road outside their house. She was killed instantly and fortunately she was not showing visible signs of her injuries but this makes me so mad. How someone can hit a cat on the road and not stop!
I have been in a similar situation myself where a dog ran onto a main road and I hit him. I immediately stopped and rushed to the nearest house seeking the animals owners. I have to admit I was not much use to them as I was distraught over what I had done but I went there and did the right thing. Why other people don't do this is beyond me!
So life is a bit crazy right now. I am struggling with routine once more and sleep is a pain. I didn't sleep Sunday night as I was in great pain as a result I spent a lot of Monday asleep. Now it is the early hours of Tuesday morning and I feel wide awake. Ahhhhhhhh.
I also have a third kidney infection in three months. I wish I knew what was causing them, I mean if I was bouncing with a bunny every night it would make sense but I am not (mores the pity). Anyway more antibiotics so I am now feeling sick too. If this recurs I have been assured they will be doing a full ultrasound investigation. I personally am convinced that this pain is caused by Kidney Stones not an infection, particularly as I was shown today both red and white blood cells have been present in my urine on both previous occasions. I bet your really pleased to learn about my urine eh.. lol.
Sunday I was told my Aunt Majorie who has her third dose of cancer is very very sick. The planned operation will not be going ahead and they where considering the benefits of chemo again. Monday afternoon I found out this is not the case anymore. A Doctors visit has confirmed what I think we all knew but none of us wanted to acknowledge, she has a matter of days to go. No treatment other than morphine is advised now. My mum is heartbroken as this is her second sister to die/be dying from cancer. I haven't been able to shed a tear although I am assuming this is the power of my pills taking the edge off things for me.
To make matters worse my Mums cat was killed Monday morning. During breakfast my Dad stood up to see her lying on the road outside their house. She was killed instantly and fortunately she was not showing visible signs of her injuries but this makes me so mad. How someone can hit a cat on the road and not stop!
I have been in a similar situation myself where a dog ran onto a main road and I hit him. I immediately stopped and rushed to the nearest house seeking the animals owners. I have to admit I was not much use to them as I was distraught over what I had done but I went there and did the right thing. Why other people don't do this is beyond me!
So life is a bit crazy right now. I am struggling with routine once more and sleep is a pain. I didn't sleep Sunday night as I was in great pain as a result I spent a lot of Monday asleep. Now it is the early hours of Tuesday morning and I feel wide awake. Ahhhhhhhh.
Wednesday 14 July 2010
What is attractive?
Hmm now this is a question I don't really think about much to be honest. I have to admit I do NOT think I have any physically attractive features, or shall we say did not. However some of the amazing women I have seen on HNT's and blogs has given me a slightly different opinion of myself.
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
Monday 12 July 2010
Shame
This is an immense and powerful feeling.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
Vent
Ahhhhhh for gods sake!
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
Sunday 11 July 2010
Apologies
Ahh, I promised myself when i started this it would not turn into a whinging, moaning space and look what happens.
Well I guess it is better than vocalising it to my friends and those people I care about. Not that I would but hey.
Anyway if anyone is still around here, here is a pretty sun rise picture from yesterday morning to enjoy....
.
I am frightened of me. Seems a strange thing to say but its true. I am frightened of me and my depressive head space.
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
Saturday 10 July 2010
Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot...
Oooooh Its sooooo HOT!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
Thursday 8 July 2010
The Only Certainty in Life
Nothing will ever stay the same...
Today has been a big day of change for me. A real growth towards my recovery. The sharing of my step four is complete, the step over which I had procrastinated and felt immense fear. The one where I get honest with myself about the harms I have done to others and others had done unto myself during my life. Also those things for which I need to forgive myself, I am afterall only human and far from perfect!!
I built up intense fears around it, to the point where I had made this into something which was enormously important and in fact it is not. It is not an exam, if I find I now recall something I should have dealt with I will have more Step fours in which I can deal with it.
I have to learn life is a journey.
In fact many things about which I held resentments against people for are actually part of the rich tapestry of our lives which may hurt us, may cause us pain but also are lessons which numerous people undertake.
I cannot continue to fear being close to men because of the actions of one. In fact I am already learning slowly there are men out there with wonderful hearts and generous souls I just need to allow myself to trust them and let them into my heart.
Today I have felt the benefit of that trust in people through the love shown to me by my sponsor. The way she is able to listen to me, be completely unjudgmental but also able to direct me and open my mind to seeing my own defects.
Such an enlightening day..
Today has been a big day of change for me. A real growth towards my recovery. The sharing of my step four is complete, the step over which I had procrastinated and felt immense fear. The one where I get honest with myself about the harms I have done to others and others had done unto myself during my life. Also those things for which I need to forgive myself, I am afterall only human and far from perfect!!
I built up intense fears around it, to the point where I had made this into something which was enormously important and in fact it is not. It is not an exam, if I find I now recall something I should have dealt with I will have more Step fours in which I can deal with it.
I have to learn life is a journey.
In fact many things about which I held resentments against people for are actually part of the rich tapestry of our lives which may hurt us, may cause us pain but also are lessons which numerous people undertake.
I cannot continue to fear being close to men because of the actions of one. In fact I am already learning slowly there are men out there with wonderful hearts and generous souls I just need to allow myself to trust them and let them into my heart.
Today I have felt the benefit of that trust in people through the love shown to me by my sponsor. The way she is able to listen to me, be completely unjudgmental but also able to direct me and open my mind to seeing my own defects.
Such an enlightening day..
Monday 5 July 2010
Pain...
Been thinking a lot about pain the last week, mainly because I have been feeling a lot of it..
Pain can come in so many different forms be it physical, emotional and even pleasurable.
The defenition of Pain as in the Cambridge Online Dictionary is
That seems fairly straightforward but is it really that simple.
Pain to me may be no pain to someone else, there is no universal measurement of pain, the interpretation of pain from one person to the next is very different. The situation we are in may also have an enormous impact on our interpretations.
For example, if I stub my toe I scream blue murder, although if someone slaps me during an intimate encounter I will be putty in their hands.
Although for me personally the most intense and uncomfortable pain I suffer from is Emotional. For me I find it so immense, they call it depression, they say it is due to an imbalance of chemicals within my brain, they give me medication by the handful but what is really the answer.
Now they are referring me to see another CPN. If my addled memory serves me right, which to be honest would be a miracle after what I have done to it in my life, this will be the third. The first one told me playing pool and going swimming would stop me self harming. The second did not seem able to bond with me and spent time telling me I wouldn't ever kill myself, not handy when your talking to someone with a history of self harm and suicide attempts.
So, third time lucky... lets hope folks x
Although now I am in recovery this will be the first time I have seen anyone in the Psycho world without being an active addict. Maybe this could be why I am suffering with so much emotional pain, I have nothing to numb the way I feel. I am part way through my step 5 with NA which means I am sharing my resentments with my sponsor, myself and my Higher Power.
One thing that came up was the work and failures I have had with the Psycho area of the medical world and I have opened up a lot to the fact it is a very powerful two way process, there are no wonder cures and being doped up to the eyeballs is not beneficial.
Today,I found out a book I bought a while back during one of my charity shop expeditions called More Pocket Positives.. so today's quote is;
'We need never be ashamed of our tears,' Charles Dickens.
Thank you for reading x
Pain can come in so many different forms be it physical, emotional and even pleasurable.
The defenition of Pain as in the Cambridge Online Dictionary is
•
[C or U] a feeling of physical suffering caused by injury or illness•
[C or U] emotional or mental sufferingThat seems fairly straightforward but is it really that simple.
Pain to me may be no pain to someone else, there is no universal measurement of pain, the interpretation of pain from one person to the next is very different. The situation we are in may also have an enormous impact on our interpretations.
For example, if I stub my toe I scream blue murder, although if someone slaps me during an intimate encounter I will be putty in their hands.
Although for me personally the most intense and uncomfortable pain I suffer from is Emotional. For me I find it so immense, they call it depression, they say it is due to an imbalance of chemicals within my brain, they give me medication by the handful but what is really the answer.
Now they are referring me to see another CPN. If my addled memory serves me right, which to be honest would be a miracle after what I have done to it in my life, this will be the third. The first one told me playing pool and going swimming would stop me self harming. The second did not seem able to bond with me and spent time telling me I wouldn't ever kill myself, not handy when your talking to someone with a history of self harm and suicide attempts.
So, third time lucky... lets hope folks x
Although now I am in recovery this will be the first time I have seen anyone in the Psycho world without being an active addict. Maybe this could be why I am suffering with so much emotional pain, I have nothing to numb the way I feel. I am part way through my step 5 with NA which means I am sharing my resentments with my sponsor, myself and my Higher Power.
One thing that came up was the work and failures I have had with the Psycho area of the medical world and I have opened up a lot to the fact it is a very powerful two way process, there are no wonder cures and being doped up to the eyeballs is not beneficial.
Today,I found out a book I bought a while back during one of my charity shop expeditions called More Pocket Positives.. so today's quote is;
'We need never be ashamed of our tears,' Charles Dickens.
Thank you for reading x
Saturday 3 July 2010
Wierd
Whoops. I got distracted and ended up having a good moan rather than actually explaining why yesterday (now) was such a wierd day.
Well maybe wierd is not really the best way to describe it but hey it sounds good to me.
I eventually dragged my lazy ass out of bed at 11.30am. Good job I got a good sleep now seeing at is nearly 4am the next morning and I haven't got a wink since, despite being so tired.
Anyway I got a bit of well meant but still hurtful nudge from my mum. Calling her at 13.30 knowing she needed to do some shopping but she hasn't the visual strength and confidence to drive since her sight began to suffer. She happily told me my father had already taken her, I asked 'oh, why didn't you let me know', as I always ask her before going myself and take her whenever I go due to her lack of driving confidence. The response was 'Well, it would do you good to get of your arse and go yourself'. Thanks Mum.
You know the reason I haven't left the house since Tuesday except to see the Nurse is I am very poorly. Ya' know back pain, nausea, dizziness, hot sweats but hey that's nothing right!
She explained she meant it in the nicest possible way but it didn't really help much. It still hurts.
Emotions are running riot right now and despite my tough exterior I am like a snail, soft on the inside.
Still I got to the supermarket wandered round and made my purchases and then drove back for some 'real' retail therapy. Yeah, I know I had been shopping but buying bread, fishcakes and courgettes don't do the retail therapy thing for me.
Splashed out on 'Lush' online. I only discovered the joys of lush products last weekend when I nipped into a shop for the first time. I am in Love lol. The limited edition 'Comforter' (blackcurrant) shower gel is happiness in a bottle.
I then found myself on Evans and discovered a beautiful steampunk style Clocket Necklace which instantly won my heart. Threw in a pair of nice pinstripe linen trousers reduced by £12 in the sale and whoops.. made another order. Lol.
Hey, I need something to make me smile. Its not like I have had much to smile about lately.
The evening progressed and the pain has increased. Its now 4.05am Saturday morning the birds have just begun their song and the sky is slowly becoming lighter.
Fingers crossed this pain passes soon please folks xx
Well maybe wierd is not really the best way to describe it but hey it sounds good to me.
I eventually dragged my lazy ass out of bed at 11.30am. Good job I got a good sleep now seeing at is nearly 4am the next morning and I haven't got a wink since, despite being so tired.
Anyway I got a bit of well meant but still hurtful nudge from my mum. Calling her at 13.30 knowing she needed to do some shopping but she hasn't the visual strength and confidence to drive since her sight began to suffer. She happily told me my father had already taken her, I asked 'oh, why didn't you let me know', as I always ask her before going myself and take her whenever I go due to her lack of driving confidence. The response was 'Well, it would do you good to get of your arse and go yourself'. Thanks Mum.
You know the reason I haven't left the house since Tuesday except to see the Nurse is I am very poorly. Ya' know back pain, nausea, dizziness, hot sweats but hey that's nothing right!
She explained she meant it in the nicest possible way but it didn't really help much. It still hurts.
Emotions are running riot right now and despite my tough exterior I am like a snail, soft on the inside.
Still I got to the supermarket wandered round and made my purchases and then drove back for some 'real' retail therapy. Yeah, I know I had been shopping but buying bread, fishcakes and courgettes don't do the retail therapy thing for me.
Splashed out on 'Lush' online. I only discovered the joys of lush products last weekend when I nipped into a shop for the first time. I am in Love lol. The limited edition 'Comforter' (blackcurrant) shower gel is happiness in a bottle.
I then found myself on Evans and discovered a beautiful steampunk style Clocket Necklace which instantly won my heart. Threw in a pair of nice pinstripe linen trousers reduced by £12 in the sale and whoops.. made another order. Lol.
Hey, I need something to make me smile. Its not like I have had much to smile about lately.
The evening progressed and the pain has increased. Its now 4.05am Saturday morning the birds have just begun their song and the sky is slowly becoming lighter.
Fingers crossed this pain passes soon please folks xx
Pain
Today has been a wierd day, well actually no yesterday now but anyway it was still wierd.
I got awoken several times in the night for different reasons but mainly by my Nurse Practitioner at 8.30am. To tell me I dont have a kidney infection, so the constant and near agonising pain I am experiencing in my back and the white blood cells in my urine sample.. mmm. Well she is refering me for a scan at my local hospital so hopefully it will show some reason for this pain. I have to admit it is driving me insane, its so crippling and just there all the time. Even the super strong co-codamol which I dont like to take anyway, are only just scraping the snow off the mountain of pain.
Its so frustrating it is normally mainly in my right flank, however Thursday I also spent the day with extreme nausea and hot sweats. Now, I am suffering with a pain that is right across the back in both the left and right Kidney areas. With the depression I am struggling with due to work stress and am currently signed off work for it is just getting too much. It disrupts my sleep so much its almost intolerable.
My GP in earlier appointments blamed muscular problems for the pain but nothing is helping, not pain relief, not my TENs machine, not exercise, not rest, not heat ... Nothing. What do I have to do to get this agony to end?
I am hoping to return to work on Monday, albeit on reduced hours etc but if this doesn't ease I just don't know if I can cope.
I got awoken several times in the night for different reasons but mainly by my Nurse Practitioner at 8.30am. To tell me I dont have a kidney infection, so the constant and near agonising pain I am experiencing in my back and the white blood cells in my urine sample.. mmm. Well she is refering me for a scan at my local hospital so hopefully it will show some reason for this pain. I have to admit it is driving me insane, its so crippling and just there all the time. Even the super strong co-codamol which I dont like to take anyway, are only just scraping the snow off the mountain of pain.
Its so frustrating it is normally mainly in my right flank, however Thursday I also spent the day with extreme nausea and hot sweats. Now, I am suffering with a pain that is right across the back in both the left and right Kidney areas. With the depression I am struggling with due to work stress and am currently signed off work for it is just getting too much. It disrupts my sleep so much its almost intolerable.
My GP in earlier appointments blamed muscular problems for the pain but nothing is helping, not pain relief, not my TENs machine, not exercise, not rest, not heat ... Nothing. What do I have to do to get this agony to end?
I am hoping to return to work on Monday, albeit on reduced hours etc but if this doesn't ease I just don't know if I can cope.
Friday 2 July 2010
Sunday 27 June 2010
Intimacy
Intimacy. For some this is a wonderful thing, for others it a terrifying thought.
Intimacy is both emotional and physical.In fact I think that the emotional side of intimacy is essential for the physical side to be felt. It is fine we can feel close to each other being held or having intercourse but the chemistry the metaphorical spark is essential for it not to be just an animal act and move it into being physical intimacy.
For me, intimacy can be both wonderful and frightening. It can make me feel warm, safe and comfortable to the very centre of my soul and can also strike fear into me.
Is it trust?..
I think so, I find it personally hard to trust someone not to hurt me both physically and emotionally.
For me personally intimacy and trust are directly linked.
I read something last night which struck me to the core...
....'having sex with Benton is how we exchange energy and empower each other and belong to each other and communicate with each other and are reminded we exist'...
(Patricia Cornwell, The Scarpetta Factor)
What a wonderful thought..
Intimacy is both emotional and physical.In fact I think that the emotional side of intimacy is essential for the physical side to be felt. It is fine we can feel close to each other being held or having intercourse but the chemistry the metaphorical spark is essential for it not to be just an animal act and move it into being physical intimacy.
For me, intimacy can be both wonderful and frightening. It can make me feel warm, safe and comfortable to the very centre of my soul and can also strike fear into me.
Is it trust?..
I think so, I find it personally hard to trust someone not to hurt me both physically and emotionally.
For me personally intimacy and trust are directly linked.
I read something last night which struck me to the core...
....'having sex with Benton is how we exchange energy and empower each other and belong to each other and communicate with each other and are reminded we exist'...
(Patricia Cornwell, The Scarpetta Factor)
What a wonderful thought..
Saturday 19 June 2010
Smiley
I am kinda get to like this place. I can whinge, whine and express things without fear of what other people will think. The action of just typing things out is very theraputic.
Today, after an almighty long sleep - finally. I have had fun pottering around the house just in my pjs, doing the house work and tidying up. I even washed the washing machine drawer out - first time since i bought it so it was much needed and wow does it look better.
Anyway, time now to potter over and check mums greennhouse (she is on hols), cut some of the cucumbers ready to take to my sister tomorrow, water the plants and then feed her cat. Then,... in my nice shiny clean bathroom I am going to treat myself to a long hot soak with some music. Maybe a little Duffy.
A little pic of mums cat... Muffin..lol....
Today, after an almighty long sleep - finally. I have had fun pottering around the house just in my pjs, doing the house work and tidying up. I even washed the washing machine drawer out - first time since i bought it so it was much needed and wow does it look better.
Anyway, time now to potter over and check mums greennhouse (she is on hols), cut some of the cucumbers ready to take to my sister tomorrow, water the plants and then feed her cat. Then,... in my nice shiny clean bathroom I am going to treat myself to a long hot soak with some music. Maybe a little Duffy.
A little pic of mums cat... Muffin..lol....
Friday 18 June 2010
Insomnia..
Not only a song of the 90's if my memory serves me well but a pain in the rear end when it kicks in.
I slept well Wednesday night, maybe it was the storm breaking up the tension in the air but last it came back in force. Quietly retiring to my bed at 12, curling up with my book and my cat, sadly still at 2.30am I was varying between wriggling around for a comfy sleep position and my book.
The frustration when this happens is immense. Not helped by the fact my back is yet again causing me intense pain. No matter that i took the co-codamol and used my wheat bag to help. Noooo, that would be too logical, far too positive for my life under the current circumstances.
No, instead I have been awake watching tv, playing mind numbing games which if I am honest frustrate me further and drinking coffee. Yeah, I know caffeine bad idea when you cant sleep but by 3am I had given up on the idea of that completely. At 8.30 this morning I have to visit my company nurse to review my current state ref: stress and depression. Doubt somehow that my sleep deprived mind will be able to sum up the 'im completely sane, let me come back now' impression I want to give. I know I am going to find it hard but being home and knowing my colleagues are having to manage without my is hard to accept and makes me feel so full of guilt. Weak pathetic me, as soon as things get tough my mind looses track and I retreat from the world like a snail into a shell.
Oh, I can give the happy go lucky me impression easy enough, why not I have been doing it for long enough but leave me to my own devices and the thought of escaping forever is strong. Depression is bloody evil, there is no other word for it. I want to cry, scream and shout at the world .. that phrase 'stop the world i wanna get off' is bloody apt: But I just cant. No tears, no screams, no shouts, no nothing.
I feel like I wander through the days in a daze. Nothing but my selfish depressive mind to keep me company. Do things you enjoy, keep in a routine, eat healthy. Brilliant suggestions and they make a lot of sense. Thing is though when I am like this I dont enjoy anything,I cant keep in a routine as I cant flaming sleep and eating, well i vary between not eating and binging on rubbish.
Ahh, lil miss positive this morning arent I... thing is I have to share this somewhere and sharing it with my friends, the few I have, no that just makes me feel like a weak, pathetic whinger.
I slept well Wednesday night, maybe it was the storm breaking up the tension in the air but last it came back in force. Quietly retiring to my bed at 12, curling up with my book and my cat, sadly still at 2.30am I was varying between wriggling around for a comfy sleep position and my book.
The frustration when this happens is immense. Not helped by the fact my back is yet again causing me intense pain. No matter that i took the co-codamol and used my wheat bag to help. Noooo, that would be too logical, far too positive for my life under the current circumstances.
No, instead I have been awake watching tv, playing mind numbing games which if I am honest frustrate me further and drinking coffee. Yeah, I know caffeine bad idea when you cant sleep but by 3am I had given up on the idea of that completely. At 8.30 this morning I have to visit my company nurse to review my current state ref: stress and depression. Doubt somehow that my sleep deprived mind will be able to sum up the 'im completely sane, let me come back now' impression I want to give. I know I am going to find it hard but being home and knowing my colleagues are having to manage without my is hard to accept and makes me feel so full of guilt. Weak pathetic me, as soon as things get tough my mind looses track and I retreat from the world like a snail into a shell.
Oh, I can give the happy go lucky me impression easy enough, why not I have been doing it for long enough but leave me to my own devices and the thought of escaping forever is strong. Depression is bloody evil, there is no other word for it. I want to cry, scream and shout at the world .. that phrase 'stop the world i wanna get off' is bloody apt: But I just cant. No tears, no screams, no shouts, no nothing.
I feel like I wander through the days in a daze. Nothing but my selfish depressive mind to keep me company. Do things you enjoy, keep in a routine, eat healthy. Brilliant suggestions and they make a lot of sense. Thing is though when I am like this I dont enjoy anything,I cant keep in a routine as I cant flaming sleep and eating, well i vary between not eating and binging on rubbish.
Ahh, lil miss positive this morning arent I... thing is I have to share this somewhere and sharing it with my friends, the few I have, no that just makes me feel like a weak, pathetic whinger.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Cant beat a good storm....
Monday was a surprisingly good day. As I am currently off work with stress and depression a lot of the days seem to merge into one another identifiable only by whether I need to put out my bin for collection and the weeks are punctuated with Drs appointments and reviews with the Occupation Health Department at work.
Monday, however was quite a change to my normal routine, despite the prerequisite of a Drs appointment. Suddenly finding out at 31 that you have developed an allergy to diclofenac is a shock. I have used it in the past to control pain caused by both my back and Trigeminal Neuralgia (a facial nerve spasm condition). However, using it over a week ago I had a funny turn flushes, ringing in the ears, extreme nausea and dizziness; not relating it directly to the diclofenac I again took some in the early hours of Sunday morning. Big Mistake!
At 7am Sunday I was ringing for an ambulance, not only had I the previous symptoms but I was fighting to breath, itching intensely all over my body and covered it in a white blister like rash. Anyway, now I am confirmed as allergic to Diclofenac which is sadly also used in Voltarol another pain reliever I find helpful.
Oh well.
Anyway, I am digressing, Monday, yes it was a good day. Despite feeling rotten after the allergic reaction and yet another trip to the Drs I received a message from a colleague asking for my address as she wished to visit me. Considering she lives very close to work and I live 26 miles away I found this a very sweet offer. She came all that way, brought me depression relieving strawberries, peaches and bearing hugs. It transpires she is also off with work related stress and is suffering as much as myself. From a very selfish standpoint, but hey if I cant be honest here where can I, it does back up and support my absence also. As she is Lithuanian she is having some trouble understanding the companies absence procedure and the new 'fit note' system so as well as discussing our feelings about work I was able to advise her on how to deal with the system. Its a very true fact that helping others helps someone suffering from depression.
I then made a special effort and cooked a nice dinner. After dinner it was getting dark very quickly, the clouds were forming and I could feel the storm building in the air, plus hearing it on the weather forecast helped!..
The cloud formation was beautiful so I took some snaps..
this shows the approaching cloud...
this I think shows the lovely clash of stormy cloud and blue sky...
and this... well!
This is the picture I was dreaming of achieving but never dared hope I would get. Yes, the land is a little blurry, and the overall quality could be much better but with a basic 6.0 Mega pixel digital camera with no fancy speedy shutter I am well 'chuffed'.
I am now very inspired to get back out there with my camera and practice a bit more of my favorite macro photography, and as my garden is in bloom what better time..
Monday, however was quite a change to my normal routine, despite the prerequisite of a Drs appointment. Suddenly finding out at 31 that you have developed an allergy to diclofenac is a shock. I have used it in the past to control pain caused by both my back and Trigeminal Neuralgia (a facial nerve spasm condition). However, using it over a week ago I had a funny turn flushes, ringing in the ears, extreme nausea and dizziness; not relating it directly to the diclofenac I again took some in the early hours of Sunday morning. Big Mistake!
At 7am Sunday I was ringing for an ambulance, not only had I the previous symptoms but I was fighting to breath, itching intensely all over my body and covered it in a white blister like rash. Anyway, now I am confirmed as allergic to Diclofenac which is sadly also used in Voltarol another pain reliever I find helpful.
Oh well.
Anyway, I am digressing, Monday, yes it was a good day. Despite feeling rotten after the allergic reaction and yet another trip to the Drs I received a message from a colleague asking for my address as she wished to visit me. Considering she lives very close to work and I live 26 miles away I found this a very sweet offer. She came all that way, brought me depression relieving strawberries, peaches and bearing hugs. It transpires she is also off with work related stress and is suffering as much as myself. From a very selfish standpoint, but hey if I cant be honest here where can I, it does back up and support my absence also. As she is Lithuanian she is having some trouble understanding the companies absence procedure and the new 'fit note' system so as well as discussing our feelings about work I was able to advise her on how to deal with the system. Its a very true fact that helping others helps someone suffering from depression.
I then made a special effort and cooked a nice dinner. After dinner it was getting dark very quickly, the clouds were forming and I could feel the storm building in the air, plus hearing it on the weather forecast helped!..
The cloud formation was beautiful so I took some snaps..
this shows the approaching cloud...
this I think shows the lovely clash of stormy cloud and blue sky...
and this... well!
This is the picture I was dreaming of achieving but never dared hope I would get. Yes, the land is a little blurry, and the overall quality could be much better but with a basic 6.0 Mega pixel digital camera with no fancy speedy shutter I am well 'chuffed'.
I am now very inspired to get back out there with my camera and practice a bit more of my favorite macro photography, and as my garden is in bloom what better time..
Saturday 5 June 2010
Heavenly Foam
Wow, for someone who suffers with back problems the joy of a night in a bed with a memory foam mattress topper has been heavenly.
I normally wake with a stiff back feeling down and tender, not this morning. Although the night was disturbed and for some reason I seem to be getting 'private number' phone calls at stupid o'clock, I still slept well.
I had never though about them until one painful night around 4am I was watching the shopping channel, sad I know but what else is there to watch at 4am on a weekday?
Anyway as per usual the crazy presenters where getting so excited about it I thought they where close to orgasm but I thought, what the hell, it cant be any worse than nights of pain and the resulting insomnia.
Much recommended !!!!
Anyway, the obligatory two big cups of strong coffee has now passed my lips, the suns shining and the birds are singing like mad. I think its time I removed some of those pesky weeds out of the garden before they take over and swamp my much loved Lupins.
I normally wake with a stiff back feeling down and tender, not this morning. Although the night was disturbed and for some reason I seem to be getting 'private number' phone calls at stupid o'clock, I still slept well.
I had never though about them until one painful night around 4am I was watching the shopping channel, sad I know but what else is there to watch at 4am on a weekday?
Anyway as per usual the crazy presenters where getting so excited about it I thought they where close to orgasm but I thought, what the hell, it cant be any worse than nights of pain and the resulting insomnia.
Much recommended !!!!
Anyway, the obligatory two big cups of strong coffee has now passed my lips, the suns shining and the birds are singing like mad. I think its time I removed some of those pesky weeds out of the garden before they take over and swamp my much loved Lupins.
Thursday 3 June 2010
Welcome to my world
Well.. here we are an attempt at a blog from me.
First of lets make a start with explaining the Blog name.. The Peeling Label.. well it kind of suits me I have a multitude of labels which have been attached to me at one time or another and a lot of them are being to loose their sticky..
Ones such as;
Daughter,
Sister,
Woman,
Employee
those kind of labels are ok, they denote who I am, where I fit in my family but there are others not quite so, shall we say conducive to a happy person;
Epileptic,
Depressive,
Singleton,
Bisexual,
Obese,
Addict,
Blonde,
I could continue but why should I, if I really went for it I could have easily one for each of my 31 years but when I look back do I or in fact any of us 'fit' a label or into the metaphorical box of the labels. Probably not.. for example I am an epileptic ..BUT, and yes its a big but I have fully medication controlled epilepsy, I have not had a seizure in ten years.
So, does the label still fit?
Is it starting to peel slightly at the edges?
Is my metaphorical box giving at the corners?
Interesting. Or maybe not.... depends on your labels are they loosing their adhesive or have they dropped off ..
First of lets make a start with explaining the Blog name.. The Peeling Label.. well it kind of suits me I have a multitude of labels which have been attached to me at one time or another and a lot of them are being to loose their sticky..
Ones such as;
Daughter,
Sister,
Woman,
Employee
those kind of labels are ok, they denote who I am, where I fit in my family but there are others not quite so, shall we say conducive to a happy person;
Epileptic,
Depressive,
Singleton,
Bisexual,
Obese,
Addict,
Blonde,
I could continue but why should I, if I really went for it I could have easily one for each of my 31 years but when I look back do I or in fact any of us 'fit' a label or into the metaphorical box of the labels. Probably not.. for example I am an epileptic ..BUT, and yes its a big but I have fully medication controlled epilepsy, I have not had a seizure in ten years.
So, does the label still fit?
Is it starting to peel slightly at the edges?
Is my metaphorical box giving at the corners?
Interesting. Or maybe not.... depends on your labels are they loosing their adhesive or have they dropped off ..
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