Insomnia..

Not only a song of the 90's if my memory serves me well but a pain in the rear end when it kicks in.

I slept well Wednesday night, maybe it was the storm breaking up the tension in the air but last it came back in force. Quietly retiring to my bed at 12, curling up with my book and my cat, sadly still at 2.30am I was varying between wriggling around for a comfy sleep position and my book.
The frustration when this happens is immense. Not helped by the fact my back is yet again causing me intense pain. No matter that i took the co-codamol and used my wheat bag to help. Noooo, that would be too logical, far too positive for my life under the current circumstances.
No, instead I have been awake watching tv, playing mind numbing games which if I am honest frustrate me further and drinking coffee. Yeah, I know caffeine bad idea when you cant sleep but by 3am I had given up on the idea of that completely. At 8.30 this morning I have to visit my company nurse to review my current state ref: stress and depression. Doubt somehow that my sleep deprived mind will be able to sum up the 'im completely sane, let me come back now' impression I want to give. I know I am going to find it hard but being home and knowing my colleagues are having to manage without my is hard to accept and makes me feel so full of guilt. Weak pathetic me, as soon as things get tough my mind looses track and I retreat from the world like a snail into a shell.

Oh, I can give the happy go lucky me impression easy enough, why not I have been doing it for long enough but leave me to my own devices and the thought of escaping forever is strong. Depression is bloody evil, there is no other word for it. I want to cry, scream and shout at the world .. that phrase 'stop the world i wanna get off' is bloody apt: But I just cant. No tears, no screams, no shouts, no nothing.

I feel like I wander through the days in a daze. Nothing but my selfish depressive mind to keep me company. Do things you enjoy, keep in a routine, eat healthy. Brilliant suggestions and they make a lot of sense. Thing is though when I am like this I dont enjoy anything,I cant keep in a routine as I cant flaming sleep and eating, well i vary between not eating and binging on rubbish.

Ahh, lil miss positive this morning arent I... thing is I have to share this somewhere and sharing it with my friends, the few I have, no that just makes me feel like a weak, pathetic whinger.