Frustration

Hello Blog,

Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.

Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.

Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.

One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.

My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.

Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.

The operation really cannot come soon enough.

On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;

Brrrrrrrrr

Oooo I don't know if it is just me but it seems to be a little bit chilly this evening. Although, then again it is August bank holiday weekend.

Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.

Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.

Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.

My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.

I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.

My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.

This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.

Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.

It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.

Sunsets

And life goes on...

It is easy for me to become overwhelmed in my own self pity and forget the positive things happening around me and also to me.

When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed.  Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.

Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.

Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.

This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.

This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.

After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.

I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.

Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.

That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx

I NEED THESE

I love sarah so I will buy her these boots...

Size 6 please in black will do just nicely.. xx

How can something so amazing cause so much pain?

Well I am an Auntie.

My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.

Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.

I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.

What the hell is wrong with me!!

Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.

Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.

Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.

Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.

I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.

I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.

So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.

Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...

Induced emotions

Apologies first of all little bloggy this week has been a bit roller coaster like and i have neglected you. ((hugs))

I have been filling in forms for the open university so I can get me ass back in to gear and study again and do something positive and enjoyable. Its quite a wierd thing really filling in a form for Disabled Students Allowance when you have depression. The new addition of depression onto the disabled category of those statutes is quite a good and scary thing at the same time, anyhow after a long think and a chat with an Open Uni chappy and I find I am entitled to a mentor, someone to assist me in those dark times when i struggle. Bonus. Just need to see my GP and sort out his bit next week and on we go..

Suffered with a lot of pain this last week too. Although I do have my abdominal scan on Monday evening next week. I am terrified though they will do it and after all this time, all this pain and suffering they find that there is nothing there. In fact as twisted as it sounds I would sooner they find something serious than nothing at all as at least then we can do something about it or at least I will know why it hurts so much.

And now should we move on to the topic which may explain the heading...

I think so. For those of you that have read me before will maybe know my little sister got married last September and is now in the late stages of pregnancy. She has had numerous problems with Gestational Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Protein traces in her urine etc..
Today she went in to see her Midwife and Doctor and her latest protein results are very high, despite the Doctor's mumblings the midwife kicked him to touch and they told her to go fetch her bag she was going in to be induced this afternoon. She knew it would be an induced birth due to the problems but expected another week at least so its sent her, her husband and all the family a bit gaga tbh.
She was induced around half one this afternoon and had a few twinges, she was meant to get another inducement pill thingy at 8.30 tonight but they have decided against it and are looking at breaking her waters now. (just been informed). This is my mothers first grandchild so she is sitting on the edge of her sofa at home unable to settle. She will be going for the birth when it gets closer.

You know, its all great and I am excited for her but I cant help but to admit I have a slight twinge of jealousy deep down inside. I would love to have children so very very much. For me though I wont have such a straightforward chance if I finally have someone who loves me enough and feels comfortable enough with me to go through the medical ordeal a child for me will entail.

Still I will soon be an Auntie and a Godmother for the third time.

This life takes things from us and breaks our hearts and then drops little miracles into the world..

The postman...

Hello Blog,




Strange things have been happening since I have been sick off work, which is now nearly cracking on for 3 month, maybe a bit longer to be honest I have lost all concept of time.

My employers have lacked on the contact and support front but things have been changing. I have had a 1% payrise, I have had an offer of free private healthcare and today I have received a 'Peoples Questionnaire'... WTF...

It is meant to be anonymous but it has my department recorded on the top ( my department is only 6 people) also a reference number and all that jazz. I have to complete whether I strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly agree with the statements. These cover all areas from the working environment such as do I have safe storage etc, to management i.e. is my manager good basically and lots of other things inbetween.

I find this all a bit disconcerting, naturally my depression is making me paranoid and I get very suspicious of people and their motives but this is odd. I have been with the company for 5 1/2yrs and have never heard of this before and apparently the results and actions will be published to all employees. My trust is very slim anyway I find it hard to believe anyone, in particular my work really gives a damn about what I think.

Freaky.

On the more positive side I have re-applied to the Open Uni to work on my degree (AGAIN). I completed my level 1 Intro to social science two years ago and then moved onto Business and Economics which I soon had to give up due to work, lack of motivation and all such things. However I have signed up to do a level 2 course in Welfare, Society and Crime and am linking it into a BA in Social Policy and Criminology.


Not only does this subject fascinate me, I devour crime books both fact and fiction and anything about another culture and a persons experiences, but I also think this could be a positive step into moving into an area of work I have only dreamed about.
Maybe I will be fortunate enough to move into working with young offenders, community projects or even rehabilitation centre's.

A girl can dream.

The meeting with the CMHT's employment advisor actually went really well. She is very friendly and spoke to me on an even platform rather than that condescending way some of the mental health proffession seem to adopt. We discussed my problems at work and how she can support me if I decide to return even to the extent of meeting with me and my employers to arrange suitable adjustments. I explained how ashamed I feel for being off work and she reassured me that depression is a real illness and if my doctor views me as unable to work no one can dispute it.

Silly really I have had depression for over ten years now and when I hit these lows which seem to inevitably crop up every two to three years I still struggle to accept it. I have a big issue with self pity and blaming myself for things.

Anyway I have a booklet to fill in covering everything from positive affirmations to noting my current skills and even considering volunteering which would be a good way to get experience in a different working environment and could help with my course.

Anyway, I am all grubby from housework and finally rejecting the dead plants from my doorstep, I suppose them being there for a year is enough... lol..

Bubbly bath time now... xx

Baking Again

Got the ingredients out, dusted off the cookery book and created this scrummy delicacy today..

Starting Point

Heating the fruit, butter and sugar

All mixed ingredients

In the tin

Yum yum yum

Sadly the fruit sank but you cant coat it when it has to be cooked in the butter and sugar, oh well it tasted delicious....

Its a Windy Wednesday

Hey Folks,

I sometimes think that no one reads this but you know it doesn't really matter.

Whats happened since the weekend;

I have a new mobile a Nokia 5800 Xpress Music which is funky and annoying at the same time (new phones often are, I tend to get really comfy with them and then my contracts ready for an upgrade and I cant resist the urge of something new and so it goes on).

My Jinx cat has had the all clear from the vets, he has to stay on specialist food now for life but thats a small price to pay in the whole scheme of things.

I have taken to using a blank word processor document to list the things i have to do everyday. Starting with them in red and slowly changing to green on completion. Its a nice way to see I have achieved things each day and  as they are fairly simple to achieve such as 'Take Jinx to Vets', I am feeling positive. I even add things after they have been done as it goes to show although I often feel I am getting nowhere I have done something.

I have applied for a job, just a simple one but I sent in my CV and the letter last night so that too is a real step in the right direction. I am hoping to get a Job offer so I can finally hand in my notice on my current job get out of this sick depressive phase and start again.

I have started a mini eBay empire. Thanks to the motivation of a close friend I have taken the first steps in this by selling off a few items I have at home and am now waiting for some orders to arrive so I can sell more. I am aiming at the adult market and hoping that could maybe be a positive for my future also.

I am getting on well with my parents, I have a massive issue with my dad and feeling I am not ever good enough for him. He does not understand depression and with my being off work I feel I am a failure and an embarrassment to him. Although getting honest about this feeling has led to me finding this is not the case at all. Although it is still pretty hard to accept this, it is almost like a stick i frequently use to beat myself with...

Oh and I have a yummy fruit cake in the oven...

Piccies in the next post

xx

Puss Cat is home

Well, since yesterdays post I have fetched home Jinx cat and spent most of the night running round after him. He came home in a big blue victorian collar, one of those big cone things if your not sure what I mean and was still heavily sedated.
As a result he had no sense of balance and was walking around like he was on ice and bumping into things, falling off the sofa and getting stuck trying to enter his covered litter tray. I rushed round making adjustments for him and throwing away his dry biscuits which he is no longer allowed.
Anyone wanting any Iams and Whiskas let me know I have recently bought lots in reduced price offers and he isn't allowed it anymore.
After chatting to my sponsor and seeing him struggle so much getting around the house and looking so, so depressed the collar was off. He was immediately much happier and although still unsteady he was able to drink without drowning himself at the same time.

Now, well now he is sat across from me in the living room, his big sedated eyes are going back to normal size, he has had a good clean and not bothering his sore bits at all. He is having lots of little wees but doesn't seem to be straining like he was prior to the blockage plus having had a catheter in he may well feel like he has a fuller bladder more.

The costs; Well I was fairly surprised to be honest knowing the primary consultation was a minimum of £90 I was preparing myself to be charged £300+ but it came to just over £180. Ok, admittedly not cheap but worth every single penny in my opinion. The special food though that is going to be the big killer. He has to have it for roughly six months but once this has occurred the chance of it happening again is high so it is recommended they stay on the food for life.
£9 for 9 pouches of meat from the vets and he will need two of those a day. A big of time and google has lead me to find some cheaper suppliers but still we are talking of at least a tripling in his normal food costs.

He is worth it though. It is so good to have him home, I spent most of the night awake checking on him and watching him sleep on the bed next to me.

Its all looking up...

Poorly Puss Cat

Had to rush my cat into the emergency vets at 2am Thursday morning. He had been trying to wee all night and he didnt seem to be able to. Close inspection found he was dripping wee and constantly trying to clean his 'boy bits'.
A quick google and spotting the words 'urinary problems in cats can be fatal' and i was zooming my way to the emergency vet clinic with a very subdued cat in tow. For a cat that normally cries and meows whenever he goes in a car he was soooo quiet.

Once at the vets the lovely lady rushed us through and checked him over as he proceeded to spot bits of pee all over her table and her t shirt... whoops. Turns out he had a blocked bladder, something to do with crystals in his urine and apparently its not unusual in male neutered cats.

Had to abandon my poor baby with her while she sedated him and cleared the blockage and popped in a catheter.

Went to see him yesterday afternoon and his notes said 'VERY GRUMPY', lol well i think any man would be if he had a collar round his neck and a pipe shoved down his... 'boy bits'. His little bits where bright red and he was all wet round his rear which was driving him mad as he couldnt clean.

Was meant to be fetching him at 4pm this afternoon but they have had to sedate him to remove the catheter as he is really lashing out at them. Surprising.. I think NOT!

Anyway ten minutes and I can go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He has to be monitored closely and have a special diet but i should find out more today. I am expecting him to be a bit grumpy with me for a while and probably slope off into a quiet corner and recover until he is feeling safer.

Odd, i only said the other day I was going to let his pet insurance lapse as I hadn't used it and am short on money. It runs out at midnight tonight, so as soon as i got home from the vets i renewed it £79 for Gold cover. I have to pay all the costs myself then claim it back but with only a £75 excess. Not bad when the cost of an emergency consultation is £90 before any treatment.

Dare not think how much it is going to be emergency consultation, 1 1/2 nights in the surgery, 2 sedation's, pain killers, catheter, unblocking of wee hole etc... Oh and a special diet for life to prevent it happening again...

Thank god for credit cards and insurance!

*excitedly grabs car keys and rushes to the vets*

Long time no see...

Time for an update I think. Its been a little while and a lot has happened in my life since I last blogged.

My Aunt passed away from her cancer and we have the funeral this coming Thursday. Its odd at the minute it doesn't feel all that real but I know that the funeral will change all that. So, Thursday will be a traumatic and emotional day.

I also spent a morning in A&E myself with my back/side pain. Blood tests, painkillers and urine tests followed and after a period of four hours they still had no idea what was wrong with me. Now I am waiting until the 23rd August for a full abdominal scan and praying like mad that they can find the cause for this pain. Its frustrating as I will manage for a day without any pain and then it comes back slowly engaging itself until it takes over everything. It makes it hard to concentrate, impossible to sleep and generally pisses me off to be blunt.

I have also had an assessment at the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team). After 101 questions ranging from sleep disturbances to suicidal thoughts etc. The outcome, well I would benefit from some counselling although due to the mess the Labour government left this country in I now have to wait four months before I can see anyone. Lets hope the suicidal urges don't take over in the meantime eh..

Despite the cynical mood I am seeing someone called a Mental Health Employment Advisor, which I have been told is a glorified careers advisor with thorough knowledge of the issues involved in the work place for people with mental health issues. Lets hope they can help as I know returning to my current place of work is a non starter.

Ahhh its all good fun, or character building as they say...