Been a long time since i posted anything here. Things have changed a lot the gallbladder is gone, personal relationships have changed and developed and counselling has begun.
Still off work, on ESA now which creates a myriad of feelings inside me. I am now a scoungey no hoper, I do still have a job, but tbh I would sooner not as the place still terrifies me.
Counselling is funded by my employer too which makes it complicated. I am honest with her and she is good but sadly her aim is to get me in a state which means I am of use and can return to work. I am kinda restricted on how much I open up to her and that is my doing, I always fear people getting too close, seeing the real me, maybe because I don;t know who the real me is or maybe because deep down I do know and despise her. My counsellor gives me all this bull about me having a beautiful soul, a warm heart etc it is as if she thinks I am lame enough to believe her and not the see the true me staring me in the face.
I know today is a seriously bad day as I have no drive, I have a little spurt and then seem to crash into a brick wall. Maybe I am showing traits of Bi-polar, I sometimes wonder as I get manic highs, I will do lots, feel happy and bouncy and even feel positive about the future and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out of my world and everything seems to collapse around me. I go thru mad phases of taking up new hobbies and then loose interest as quickly as they begin. Last week I tore all the wallpaper off in my hall and then this week I have no interest in finishing the preperation for redecoration.
My self harm is on the rise again even though I have no reasons whatsoever to be unhappy but I bloody am. I even cried tonight, yes i shed a tear now and again but I full on sobbed like a child.
I had so many chances a year ago.. I was on my way to getting a good role at work, was promised lots of courses, training and had enough respect to finally get myself on the promotion ladder, now look at me. 9 months off work.. fearful of even going on the site, the idea of going in my office makes me feel sick. Just as I always do as soon as something is going good in my life I toss it down the drain. Its a miracle I have stayed clean for so long. Mind you, the desire to get off my face on any substance going right now is running high in my mind.
