Well it has been a strange couple of days. Yesterday I returned to my GP confessed my severe depressive symptoms and was re-assured that it is perfectly normal to want to kill yourself when you increase anti-depressants. Now correct me if I am wrong but that seems a very peculiar side effect for anti-depressants.
I also have a third kidney infection in three months. I wish I knew what was causing them, I mean if I was bouncing with a bunny every night it would make sense but I am not (mores the pity). Anyway more antibiotics so I am now feeling sick too. If this recurs I have been assured they will be doing a full ultrasound investigation. I personally am convinced that this pain is caused by Kidney Stones not an infection, particularly as I was shown today both red and white blood cells have been present in my urine on both previous occasions. I bet your really pleased to learn about my urine eh.. lol.
Sunday I was told my Aunt Majorie who has her third dose of cancer is very very sick. The planned operation will not be going ahead and they where considering the benefits of chemo again. Monday afternoon I found out this is not the case anymore. A Doctors visit has confirmed what I think we all knew but none of us wanted to acknowledge, she has a matter of days to go. No treatment other than morphine is advised now. My mum is heartbroken as this is her second sister to die/be dying from cancer. I haven't been able to shed a tear although I am assuming this is the power of my pills taking the edge off things for me.
To make matters worse my Mums cat was killed Monday morning. During breakfast my Dad stood up to see her lying on the road outside their house. She was killed instantly and fortunately she was not showing visible signs of her injuries but this makes me so mad. How someone can hit a cat on the road and not stop!
I have been in a similar situation myself where a dog ran onto a main road and I hit him. I immediately stopped and rushed to the nearest house seeking the animals owners. I have to admit I was not much use to them as I was distraught over what I had done but I went there and did the right thing. Why other people don't do this is beyond me!
So life is a bit crazy right now. I am struggling with routine once more and sleep is a pain. I didn't sleep Sunday night as I was in great pain as a result I spent a lot of Monday asleep. Now it is the early hours of Tuesday morning and I feel wide awake. Ahhhhhhhh.
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Wednesday 14 July 2010
What is attractive?
Hmm now this is a question I don't really think about much to be honest. I have to admit I do NOT think I have any physically attractive features, or shall we say did not. However some of the amazing women I have seen on HNT's and blogs has given me a slightly different opinion of myself.
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
Monday 12 July 2010
Shame
This is an immense and powerful feeling.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
Vent
Ahhhhhh for gods sake!
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
Sunday 11 July 2010
Apologies
Ahh, I promised myself when i started this it would not turn into a whinging, moaning space and look what happens.
Well I guess it is better than vocalising it to my friends and those people I care about. Not that I would but hey.
Anyway if anyone is still around here, here is a pretty sun rise picture from yesterday morning to enjoy....
.
I am frightened of me. Seems a strange thing to say but its true. I am frightened of me and my depressive head space.
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
Saturday 10 July 2010
Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot...
Oooooh Its sooooo HOT!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
Thursday 8 July 2010
The Only Certainty in Life
Nothing will ever stay the same...
Today has been a big day of change for me. A real growth towards my recovery. The sharing of my step four is complete, the step over which I had procrastinated and felt immense fear. The one where I get honest with myself about the harms I have done to others and others had done unto myself during my life. Also those things for which I need to forgive myself, I am afterall only human and far from perfect!!
I built up intense fears around it, to the point where I had made this into something which was enormously important and in fact it is not. It is not an exam, if I find I now recall something I should have dealt with I will have more Step fours in which I can deal with it.
I have to learn life is a journey.
In fact many things about which I held resentments against people for are actually part of the rich tapestry of our lives which may hurt us, may cause us pain but also are lessons which numerous people undertake.
I cannot continue to fear being close to men because of the actions of one. In fact I am already learning slowly there are men out there with wonderful hearts and generous souls I just need to allow myself to trust them and let them into my heart.
Today I have felt the benefit of that trust in people through the love shown to me by my sponsor. The way she is able to listen to me, be completely unjudgmental but also able to direct me and open my mind to seeing my own defects.
Such an enlightening day..
Today has been a big day of change for me. A real growth towards my recovery. The sharing of my step four is complete, the step over which I had procrastinated and felt immense fear. The one where I get honest with myself about the harms I have done to others and others had done unto myself during my life. Also those things for which I need to forgive myself, I am afterall only human and far from perfect!!
I built up intense fears around it, to the point where I had made this into something which was enormously important and in fact it is not. It is not an exam, if I find I now recall something I should have dealt with I will have more Step fours in which I can deal with it.
I have to learn life is a journey.
In fact many things about which I held resentments against people for are actually part of the rich tapestry of our lives which may hurt us, may cause us pain but also are lessons which numerous people undertake.
I cannot continue to fear being close to men because of the actions of one. In fact I am already learning slowly there are men out there with wonderful hearts and generous souls I just need to allow myself to trust them and let them into my heart.
Today I have felt the benefit of that trust in people through the love shown to me by my sponsor. The way she is able to listen to me, be completely unjudgmental but also able to direct me and open my mind to seeing my own defects.
Such an enlightening day..
Monday 5 July 2010
Pain...
Been thinking a lot about pain the last week, mainly because I have been feeling a lot of it..
Pain can come in so many different forms be it physical, emotional and even pleasurable.
The defenition of Pain as in the Cambridge Online Dictionary is
That seems fairly straightforward but is it really that simple.
Pain to me may be no pain to someone else, there is no universal measurement of pain, the interpretation of pain from one person to the next is very different. The situation we are in may also have an enormous impact on our interpretations.
For example, if I stub my toe I scream blue murder, although if someone slaps me during an intimate encounter I will be putty in their hands.
Although for me personally the most intense and uncomfortable pain I suffer from is Emotional. For me I find it so immense, they call it depression, they say it is due to an imbalance of chemicals within my brain, they give me medication by the handful but what is really the answer.
Now they are referring me to see another CPN. If my addled memory serves me right, which to be honest would be a miracle after what I have done to it in my life, this will be the third. The first one told me playing pool and going swimming would stop me self harming. The second did not seem able to bond with me and spent time telling me I wouldn't ever kill myself, not handy when your talking to someone with a history of self harm and suicide attempts.
So, third time lucky... lets hope folks x
Although now I am in recovery this will be the first time I have seen anyone in the Psycho world without being an active addict. Maybe this could be why I am suffering with so much emotional pain, I have nothing to numb the way I feel. I am part way through my step 5 with NA which means I am sharing my resentments with my sponsor, myself and my Higher Power.
One thing that came up was the work and failures I have had with the Psycho area of the medical world and I have opened up a lot to the fact it is a very powerful two way process, there are no wonder cures and being doped up to the eyeballs is not beneficial.
Today,I found out a book I bought a while back during one of my charity shop expeditions called More Pocket Positives.. so today's quote is;
'We need never be ashamed of our tears,' Charles Dickens.
Thank you for reading x
Pain can come in so many different forms be it physical, emotional and even pleasurable.
The defenition of Pain as in the Cambridge Online Dictionary is
•
[C or U] a feeling of physical suffering caused by injury or illness•
[C or U] emotional or mental sufferingThat seems fairly straightforward but is it really that simple.
Pain to me may be no pain to someone else, there is no universal measurement of pain, the interpretation of pain from one person to the next is very different. The situation we are in may also have an enormous impact on our interpretations.
For example, if I stub my toe I scream blue murder, although if someone slaps me during an intimate encounter I will be putty in their hands.
Although for me personally the most intense and uncomfortable pain I suffer from is Emotional. For me I find it so immense, they call it depression, they say it is due to an imbalance of chemicals within my brain, they give me medication by the handful but what is really the answer.
Now they are referring me to see another CPN. If my addled memory serves me right, which to be honest would be a miracle after what I have done to it in my life, this will be the third. The first one told me playing pool and going swimming would stop me self harming. The second did not seem able to bond with me and spent time telling me I wouldn't ever kill myself, not handy when your talking to someone with a history of self harm and suicide attempts.
So, third time lucky... lets hope folks x
Although now I am in recovery this will be the first time I have seen anyone in the Psycho world without being an active addict. Maybe this could be why I am suffering with so much emotional pain, I have nothing to numb the way I feel. I am part way through my step 5 with NA which means I am sharing my resentments with my sponsor, myself and my Higher Power.
One thing that came up was the work and failures I have had with the Psycho area of the medical world and I have opened up a lot to the fact it is a very powerful two way process, there are no wonder cures and being doped up to the eyeballs is not beneficial.
Today,I found out a book I bought a while back during one of my charity shop expeditions called More Pocket Positives.. so today's quote is;
'We need never be ashamed of our tears,' Charles Dickens.
Thank you for reading x
Saturday 3 July 2010
Wierd
Whoops. I got distracted and ended up having a good moan rather than actually explaining why yesterday (now) was such a wierd day.
Well maybe wierd is not really the best way to describe it but hey it sounds good to me.
I eventually dragged my lazy ass out of bed at 11.30am. Good job I got a good sleep now seeing at is nearly 4am the next morning and I haven't got a wink since, despite being so tired.
Anyway I got a bit of well meant but still hurtful nudge from my mum. Calling her at 13.30 knowing she needed to do some shopping but she hasn't the visual strength and confidence to drive since her sight began to suffer. She happily told me my father had already taken her, I asked 'oh, why didn't you let me know', as I always ask her before going myself and take her whenever I go due to her lack of driving confidence. The response was 'Well, it would do you good to get of your arse and go yourself'. Thanks Mum.
You know the reason I haven't left the house since Tuesday except to see the Nurse is I am very poorly. Ya' know back pain, nausea, dizziness, hot sweats but hey that's nothing right!
She explained she meant it in the nicest possible way but it didn't really help much. It still hurts.
Emotions are running riot right now and despite my tough exterior I am like a snail, soft on the inside.
Still I got to the supermarket wandered round and made my purchases and then drove back for some 'real' retail therapy. Yeah, I know I had been shopping but buying bread, fishcakes and courgettes don't do the retail therapy thing for me.
Splashed out on 'Lush' online. I only discovered the joys of lush products last weekend when I nipped into a shop for the first time. I am in Love lol. The limited edition 'Comforter' (blackcurrant) shower gel is happiness in a bottle.
I then found myself on Evans and discovered a beautiful steampunk style Clocket Necklace which instantly won my heart. Threw in a pair of nice pinstripe linen trousers reduced by £12 in the sale and whoops.. made another order. Lol.
Hey, I need something to make me smile. Its not like I have had much to smile about lately.
The evening progressed and the pain has increased. Its now 4.05am Saturday morning the birds have just begun their song and the sky is slowly becoming lighter.
Fingers crossed this pain passes soon please folks xx
Well maybe wierd is not really the best way to describe it but hey it sounds good to me.
I eventually dragged my lazy ass out of bed at 11.30am. Good job I got a good sleep now seeing at is nearly 4am the next morning and I haven't got a wink since, despite being so tired.
Anyway I got a bit of well meant but still hurtful nudge from my mum. Calling her at 13.30 knowing she needed to do some shopping but she hasn't the visual strength and confidence to drive since her sight began to suffer. She happily told me my father had already taken her, I asked 'oh, why didn't you let me know', as I always ask her before going myself and take her whenever I go due to her lack of driving confidence. The response was 'Well, it would do you good to get of your arse and go yourself'. Thanks Mum.
You know the reason I haven't left the house since Tuesday except to see the Nurse is I am very poorly. Ya' know back pain, nausea, dizziness, hot sweats but hey that's nothing right!
She explained she meant it in the nicest possible way but it didn't really help much. It still hurts.
Emotions are running riot right now and despite my tough exterior I am like a snail, soft on the inside.
Still I got to the supermarket wandered round and made my purchases and then drove back for some 'real' retail therapy. Yeah, I know I had been shopping but buying bread, fishcakes and courgettes don't do the retail therapy thing for me.
Splashed out on 'Lush' online. I only discovered the joys of lush products last weekend when I nipped into a shop for the first time. I am in Love lol. The limited edition 'Comforter' (blackcurrant) shower gel is happiness in a bottle.
I then found myself on Evans and discovered a beautiful steampunk style Clocket Necklace which instantly won my heart. Threw in a pair of nice pinstripe linen trousers reduced by £12 in the sale and whoops.. made another order. Lol.
Hey, I need something to make me smile. Its not like I have had much to smile about lately.
The evening progressed and the pain has increased. Its now 4.05am Saturday morning the birds have just begun their song and the sky is slowly becoming lighter.
Fingers crossed this pain passes soon please folks xx
Pain
Today has been a wierd day, well actually no yesterday now but anyway it was still wierd.
I got awoken several times in the night for different reasons but mainly by my Nurse Practitioner at 8.30am. To tell me I dont have a kidney infection, so the constant and near agonising pain I am experiencing in my back and the white blood cells in my urine sample.. mmm. Well she is refering me for a scan at my local hospital so hopefully it will show some reason for this pain. I have to admit it is driving me insane, its so crippling and just there all the time. Even the super strong co-codamol which I dont like to take anyway, are only just scraping the snow off the mountain of pain.
Its so frustrating it is normally mainly in my right flank, however Thursday I also spent the day with extreme nausea and hot sweats. Now, I am suffering with a pain that is right across the back in both the left and right Kidney areas. With the depression I am struggling with due to work stress and am currently signed off work for it is just getting too much. It disrupts my sleep so much its almost intolerable.
My GP in earlier appointments blamed muscular problems for the pain but nothing is helping, not pain relief, not my TENs machine, not exercise, not rest, not heat ... Nothing. What do I have to do to get this agony to end?
I am hoping to return to work on Monday, albeit on reduced hours etc but if this doesn't ease I just don't know if I can cope.
I got awoken several times in the night for different reasons but mainly by my Nurse Practitioner at 8.30am. To tell me I dont have a kidney infection, so the constant and near agonising pain I am experiencing in my back and the white blood cells in my urine sample.. mmm. Well she is refering me for a scan at my local hospital so hopefully it will show some reason for this pain. I have to admit it is driving me insane, its so crippling and just there all the time. Even the super strong co-codamol which I dont like to take anyway, are only just scraping the snow off the mountain of pain.
Its so frustrating it is normally mainly in my right flank, however Thursday I also spent the day with extreme nausea and hot sweats. Now, I am suffering with a pain that is right across the back in both the left and right Kidney areas. With the depression I am struggling with due to work stress and am currently signed off work for it is just getting too much. It disrupts my sleep so much its almost intolerable.
My GP in earlier appointments blamed muscular problems for the pain but nothing is helping, not pain relief, not my TENs machine, not exercise, not rest, not heat ... Nothing. What do I have to do to get this agony to end?
I am hoping to return to work on Monday, albeit on reduced hours etc but if this doesn't ease I just don't know if I can cope.
Friday 2 July 2010
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