Intimacy. For some this is a wonderful thing, for others it a terrifying thought.
Intimacy is both emotional and physical.In fact I think that the emotional side of intimacy is essential for the physical side to be felt. It is fine we can feel close to each other being held or having intercourse but the chemistry the metaphorical spark is essential for it not to be just an animal act and move it into being physical intimacy.
For me, intimacy can be both wonderful and frightening. It can make me feel warm, safe and comfortable to the very centre of my soul and can also strike fear into me.
Is it trust?..
I think so, I find it personally hard to trust someone not to hurt me both physically and emotionally.
For me personally intimacy and trust are directly linked.
I read something last night which struck me to the core...
....'having sex with Benton is how we exchange energy and empower each other and belong to each other and communicate with each other and are reminded we exist'...
(Patricia Cornwell, The Scarpetta Factor)
What a wonderful thought..
Sunday 27 June 2010
Saturday 19 June 2010
Smiley
I am kinda get to like this place. I can whinge, whine and express things without fear of what other people will think. The action of just typing things out is very theraputic.
Today, after an almighty long sleep - finally. I have had fun pottering around the house just in my pjs, doing the house work and tidying up. I even washed the washing machine drawer out - first time since i bought it so it was much needed and wow does it look better.
Anyway, time now to potter over and check mums greennhouse (she is on hols), cut some of the cucumbers ready to take to my sister tomorrow, water the plants and then feed her cat. Then,... in my nice shiny clean bathroom I am going to treat myself to a long hot soak with some music. Maybe a little Duffy.
A little pic of mums cat... Muffin..lol....
Today, after an almighty long sleep - finally. I have had fun pottering around the house just in my pjs, doing the house work and tidying up. I even washed the washing machine drawer out - first time since i bought it so it was much needed and wow does it look better.
Anyway, time now to potter over and check mums greennhouse (she is on hols), cut some of the cucumbers ready to take to my sister tomorrow, water the plants and then feed her cat. Then,... in my nice shiny clean bathroom I am going to treat myself to a long hot soak with some music. Maybe a little Duffy.
A little pic of mums cat... Muffin..lol....
Friday 18 June 2010
Insomnia..
Not only a song of the 90's if my memory serves me well but a pain in the rear end when it kicks in.
I slept well Wednesday night, maybe it was the storm breaking up the tension in the air but last it came back in force. Quietly retiring to my bed at 12, curling up with my book and my cat, sadly still at 2.30am I was varying between wriggling around for a comfy sleep position and my book.
The frustration when this happens is immense. Not helped by the fact my back is yet again causing me intense pain. No matter that i took the co-codamol and used my wheat bag to help. Noooo, that would be too logical, far too positive for my life under the current circumstances.
No, instead I have been awake watching tv, playing mind numbing games which if I am honest frustrate me further and drinking coffee. Yeah, I know caffeine bad idea when you cant sleep but by 3am I had given up on the idea of that completely. At 8.30 this morning I have to visit my company nurse to review my current state ref: stress and depression. Doubt somehow that my sleep deprived mind will be able to sum up the 'im completely sane, let me come back now' impression I want to give. I know I am going to find it hard but being home and knowing my colleagues are having to manage without my is hard to accept and makes me feel so full of guilt. Weak pathetic me, as soon as things get tough my mind looses track and I retreat from the world like a snail into a shell.
Oh, I can give the happy go lucky me impression easy enough, why not I have been doing it for long enough but leave me to my own devices and the thought of escaping forever is strong. Depression is bloody evil, there is no other word for it. I want to cry, scream and shout at the world .. that phrase 'stop the world i wanna get off' is bloody apt: But I just cant. No tears, no screams, no shouts, no nothing.
I feel like I wander through the days in a daze. Nothing but my selfish depressive mind to keep me company. Do things you enjoy, keep in a routine, eat healthy. Brilliant suggestions and they make a lot of sense. Thing is though when I am like this I dont enjoy anything,I cant keep in a routine as I cant flaming sleep and eating, well i vary between not eating and binging on rubbish.
Ahh, lil miss positive this morning arent I... thing is I have to share this somewhere and sharing it with my friends, the few I have, no that just makes me feel like a weak, pathetic whinger.
I slept well Wednesday night, maybe it was the storm breaking up the tension in the air but last it came back in force. Quietly retiring to my bed at 12, curling up with my book and my cat, sadly still at 2.30am I was varying between wriggling around for a comfy sleep position and my book.
The frustration when this happens is immense. Not helped by the fact my back is yet again causing me intense pain. No matter that i took the co-codamol and used my wheat bag to help. Noooo, that would be too logical, far too positive for my life under the current circumstances.
No, instead I have been awake watching tv, playing mind numbing games which if I am honest frustrate me further and drinking coffee. Yeah, I know caffeine bad idea when you cant sleep but by 3am I had given up on the idea of that completely. At 8.30 this morning I have to visit my company nurse to review my current state ref: stress and depression. Doubt somehow that my sleep deprived mind will be able to sum up the 'im completely sane, let me come back now' impression I want to give. I know I am going to find it hard but being home and knowing my colleagues are having to manage without my is hard to accept and makes me feel so full of guilt. Weak pathetic me, as soon as things get tough my mind looses track and I retreat from the world like a snail into a shell.
Oh, I can give the happy go lucky me impression easy enough, why not I have been doing it for long enough but leave me to my own devices and the thought of escaping forever is strong. Depression is bloody evil, there is no other word for it. I want to cry, scream and shout at the world .. that phrase 'stop the world i wanna get off' is bloody apt: But I just cant. No tears, no screams, no shouts, no nothing.
I feel like I wander through the days in a daze. Nothing but my selfish depressive mind to keep me company. Do things you enjoy, keep in a routine, eat healthy. Brilliant suggestions and they make a lot of sense. Thing is though when I am like this I dont enjoy anything,I cant keep in a routine as I cant flaming sleep and eating, well i vary between not eating and binging on rubbish.
Ahh, lil miss positive this morning arent I... thing is I have to share this somewhere and sharing it with my friends, the few I have, no that just makes me feel like a weak, pathetic whinger.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Cant beat a good storm....
Monday was a surprisingly good day. As I am currently off work with stress and depression a lot of the days seem to merge into one another identifiable only by whether I need to put out my bin for collection and the weeks are punctuated with Drs appointments and reviews with the Occupation Health Department at work.
Monday, however was quite a change to my normal routine, despite the prerequisite of a Drs appointment. Suddenly finding out at 31 that you have developed an allergy to diclofenac is a shock. I have used it in the past to control pain caused by both my back and Trigeminal Neuralgia (a facial nerve spasm condition). However, using it over a week ago I had a funny turn flushes, ringing in the ears, extreme nausea and dizziness; not relating it directly to the diclofenac I again took some in the early hours of Sunday morning. Big Mistake!
At 7am Sunday I was ringing for an ambulance, not only had I the previous symptoms but I was fighting to breath, itching intensely all over my body and covered it in a white blister like rash. Anyway, now I am confirmed as allergic to Diclofenac which is sadly also used in Voltarol another pain reliever I find helpful.
Oh well.
Anyway, I am digressing, Monday, yes it was a good day. Despite feeling rotten after the allergic reaction and yet another trip to the Drs I received a message from a colleague asking for my address as she wished to visit me. Considering she lives very close to work and I live 26 miles away I found this a very sweet offer. She came all that way, brought me depression relieving strawberries, peaches and bearing hugs. It transpires she is also off with work related stress and is suffering as much as myself. From a very selfish standpoint, but hey if I cant be honest here where can I, it does back up and support my absence also. As she is Lithuanian she is having some trouble understanding the companies absence procedure and the new 'fit note' system so as well as discussing our feelings about work I was able to advise her on how to deal with the system. Its a very true fact that helping others helps someone suffering from depression.
I then made a special effort and cooked a nice dinner. After dinner it was getting dark very quickly, the clouds were forming and I could feel the storm building in the air, plus hearing it on the weather forecast helped!..
The cloud formation was beautiful so I took some snaps..
this shows the approaching cloud...
this I think shows the lovely clash of stormy cloud and blue sky...
and this... well!
This is the picture I was dreaming of achieving but never dared hope I would get. Yes, the land is a little blurry, and the overall quality could be much better but with a basic 6.0 Mega pixel digital camera with no fancy speedy shutter I am well 'chuffed'.
I am now very inspired to get back out there with my camera and practice a bit more of my favorite macro photography, and as my garden is in bloom what better time..
Monday, however was quite a change to my normal routine, despite the prerequisite of a Drs appointment. Suddenly finding out at 31 that you have developed an allergy to diclofenac is a shock. I have used it in the past to control pain caused by both my back and Trigeminal Neuralgia (a facial nerve spasm condition). However, using it over a week ago I had a funny turn flushes, ringing in the ears, extreme nausea and dizziness; not relating it directly to the diclofenac I again took some in the early hours of Sunday morning. Big Mistake!
At 7am Sunday I was ringing for an ambulance, not only had I the previous symptoms but I was fighting to breath, itching intensely all over my body and covered it in a white blister like rash. Anyway, now I am confirmed as allergic to Diclofenac which is sadly also used in Voltarol another pain reliever I find helpful.
Oh well.
Anyway, I am digressing, Monday, yes it was a good day. Despite feeling rotten after the allergic reaction and yet another trip to the Drs I received a message from a colleague asking for my address as she wished to visit me. Considering she lives very close to work and I live 26 miles away I found this a very sweet offer. She came all that way, brought me depression relieving strawberries, peaches and bearing hugs. It transpires she is also off with work related stress and is suffering as much as myself. From a very selfish standpoint, but hey if I cant be honest here where can I, it does back up and support my absence also. As she is Lithuanian she is having some trouble understanding the companies absence procedure and the new 'fit note' system so as well as discussing our feelings about work I was able to advise her on how to deal with the system. Its a very true fact that helping others helps someone suffering from depression.
I then made a special effort and cooked a nice dinner. After dinner it was getting dark very quickly, the clouds were forming and I could feel the storm building in the air, plus hearing it on the weather forecast helped!..
The cloud formation was beautiful so I took some snaps..
this shows the approaching cloud...
this I think shows the lovely clash of stormy cloud and blue sky...
and this... well!
This is the picture I was dreaming of achieving but never dared hope I would get. Yes, the land is a little blurry, and the overall quality could be much better but with a basic 6.0 Mega pixel digital camera with no fancy speedy shutter I am well 'chuffed'.
I am now very inspired to get back out there with my camera and practice a bit more of my favorite macro photography, and as my garden is in bloom what better time..
Saturday 5 June 2010
Heavenly Foam
Wow, for someone who suffers with back problems the joy of a night in a bed with a memory foam mattress topper has been heavenly.
I normally wake with a stiff back feeling down and tender, not this morning. Although the night was disturbed and for some reason I seem to be getting 'private number' phone calls at stupid o'clock, I still slept well.
I had never though about them until one painful night around 4am I was watching the shopping channel, sad I know but what else is there to watch at 4am on a weekday?
Anyway as per usual the crazy presenters where getting so excited about it I thought they where close to orgasm but I thought, what the hell, it cant be any worse than nights of pain and the resulting insomnia.
Much recommended !!!!
Anyway, the obligatory two big cups of strong coffee has now passed my lips, the suns shining and the birds are singing like mad. I think its time I removed some of those pesky weeds out of the garden before they take over and swamp my much loved Lupins.
I normally wake with a stiff back feeling down and tender, not this morning. Although the night was disturbed and for some reason I seem to be getting 'private number' phone calls at stupid o'clock, I still slept well.
I had never though about them until one painful night around 4am I was watching the shopping channel, sad I know but what else is there to watch at 4am on a weekday?
Anyway as per usual the crazy presenters where getting so excited about it I thought they where close to orgasm but I thought, what the hell, it cant be any worse than nights of pain and the resulting insomnia.
Much recommended !!!!
Anyway, the obligatory two big cups of strong coffee has now passed my lips, the suns shining and the birds are singing like mad. I think its time I removed some of those pesky weeds out of the garden before they take over and swamp my much loved Lupins.
Thursday 3 June 2010
Welcome to my world
Well.. here we are an attempt at a blog from me.
First of lets make a start with explaining the Blog name.. The Peeling Label.. well it kind of suits me I have a multitude of labels which have been attached to me at one time or another and a lot of them are being to loose their sticky..
Ones such as;
Daughter,
Sister,
Woman,
Employee
those kind of labels are ok, they denote who I am, where I fit in my family but there are others not quite so, shall we say conducive to a happy person;
Epileptic,
Depressive,
Singleton,
Bisexual,
Obese,
Addict,
Blonde,
I could continue but why should I, if I really went for it I could have easily one for each of my 31 years but when I look back do I or in fact any of us 'fit' a label or into the metaphorical box of the labels. Probably not.. for example I am an epileptic ..BUT, and yes its a big but I have fully medication controlled epilepsy, I have not had a seizure in ten years.
So, does the label still fit?
Is it starting to peel slightly at the edges?
Is my metaphorical box giving at the corners?
Interesting. Or maybe not.... depends on your labels are they loosing their adhesive or have they dropped off ..
First of lets make a start with explaining the Blog name.. The Peeling Label.. well it kind of suits me I have a multitude of labels which have been attached to me at one time or another and a lot of them are being to loose their sticky..
Ones such as;
Daughter,
Sister,
Woman,
Employee
those kind of labels are ok, they denote who I am, where I fit in my family but there are others not quite so, shall we say conducive to a happy person;
Epileptic,
Depressive,
Singleton,
Bisexual,
Obese,
Addict,
Blonde,
I could continue but why should I, if I really went for it I could have easily one for each of my 31 years but when I look back do I or in fact any of us 'fit' a label or into the metaphorical box of the labels. Probably not.. for example I am an epileptic ..BUT, and yes its a big but I have fully medication controlled epilepsy, I have not had a seizure in ten years.
So, does the label still fit?
Is it starting to peel slightly at the edges?
Is my metaphorical box giving at the corners?
Interesting. Or maybe not.... depends on your labels are they loosing their adhesive or have they dropped off ..
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