Well I am an Auntie.
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
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