Well it has been a strange couple of days. Yesterday I returned to my GP confessed my severe depressive symptoms and was re-assured that it is perfectly normal to want to kill yourself when you increase anti-depressants. Now correct me if I am wrong but that seems a very peculiar side effect for anti-depressants.
I also have a third kidney infection in three months. I wish I knew what was causing them, I mean if I was bouncing with a bunny every night it would make sense but I am not (mores the pity). Anyway more antibiotics so I am now feeling sick too. If this recurs I have been assured they will be doing a full ultrasound investigation. I personally am convinced that this pain is caused by Kidney Stones not an infection, particularly as I was shown today both red and white blood cells have been present in my urine on both previous occasions. I bet your really pleased to learn about my urine eh.. lol.
Sunday I was told my Aunt Majorie who has her third dose of cancer is very very sick. The planned operation will not be going ahead and they where considering the benefits of chemo again. Monday afternoon I found out this is not the case anymore. A Doctors visit has confirmed what I think we all knew but none of us wanted to acknowledge, she has a matter of days to go. No treatment other than morphine is advised now. My mum is heartbroken as this is her second sister to die/be dying from cancer. I haven't been able to shed a tear although I am assuming this is the power of my pills taking the edge off things for me.
To make matters worse my Mums cat was killed Monday morning. During breakfast my Dad stood up to see her lying on the road outside their house. She was killed instantly and fortunately she was not showing visible signs of her injuries but this makes me so mad. How someone can hit a cat on the road and not stop!
I have been in a similar situation myself where a dog ran onto a main road and I hit him. I immediately stopped and rushed to the nearest house seeking the animals owners. I have to admit I was not much use to them as I was distraught over what I had done but I went there and did the right thing. Why other people don't do this is beyond me!
So life is a bit crazy right now. I am struggling with routine once more and sleep is a pain. I didn't sleep Sunday night as I was in great pain as a result I spent a lot of Monday asleep. Now it is the early hours of Tuesday morning and I feel wide awake. Ahhhhhhhh.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
What is attractive?
Hmm now this is a question I don't really think about much to be honest. I have to admit I do NOT think I have any physically attractive features, or shall we say did not. However some of the amazing women I have seen on HNT's and blogs has given me a slightly different opinion of myself.
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
As a bisexual woman I know what i find attractive on a woman. For me personality is a major thing but for the purposes of this post I am going to disregard it and consider only physical features.
Anyway... for me a woman needs curves, she needs to have a lovely bum one I can wander up behind her and grasp and feel spill out over my fingers, like a luscious peach!
She has to have a tummy, something soft, curved and that gives that rise and delicious fall as you slide your hand down towards the legs. Rounded soft hips that show the beauty of nature and give that perfectly generous curving middle.
Most importantly for me has to be the boobs. I love a good pair of shapely boobs on a woman. Not so big that she seems to be walking hunched forward, but not so small they get lost in my chubby little hands.
But the most important thing in it all... they have to love their own body too.
Teaches me a lot about myself this..
Monday, 12 July 2010
Shame
This is an immense and powerful feeling.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
It feels as if your being swallowed up whole and you have no way of stopping it from happening.
It makes you feel as if you want to hide from the world, hide from everyone and everything.
Even worse is when you do something to yourself that fills you with shame.
Its been over two years but I suppose you never get away from some things in life.
Vent
Ahhhhhh for gods sake!
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
It is really no surprise that I am on the verge of going insane. My sister is pregnant, and is of the nature that she is the first and only person in the world to ever be pregnant. If the world is not revolving around her and we are not all running to meet her every need and desire then we don't care apparently.
I have to drive my mother over to meet my sister tomorrow for an appointment at the clinic, my mum is not able to drive due to sight problems and I have no problem assisting my mum. The thing is my sister has texted me roughly 6 times a day for the past 2 days checking I can do it, can I not rearrange my plans so I can take them shopping too etc. FFS I do have a life of my own.
But of course. I am not pregnant, I am not the wonderful perfect fking daughter that has married and is giving my parents a grandchild, so hey whats the problem.
My tether end has been reached so i snapped tonight and made a comment about how I forgot I was a person and not just a taxi service. Cue the emotional blackmail. My sister emailing me about how she is going to be my niece and how she is trying to involve me. Then my mum with a tremor in her voice saying oh dad will take me etc.
Don't they realise how painful this is for me. Don't they see how I am on the verge of a bloody breakdown.
Nooo cause I am not pregnant am I..
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Apologies
Ahh, I promised myself when i started this it would not turn into a whinging, moaning space and look what happens.
Well I guess it is better than vocalising it to my friends and those people I care about. Not that I would but hey.
Anyway if anyone is still around here, here is a pretty sun rise picture from yesterday morning to enjoy....
.
I am frightened of me. Seems a strange thing to say but its true. I am frightened of me and my depressive head space.
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
I can go from feeling fairly ok to contemplating suicide in minutes. I find myself trolling the internet seeking out suicide methods, LD-50's and 'success' rates. Fortunately these are not easy to find. I hate it so much.
I feel torn up inside and so angry with myself. Why can I not be satisfied in life like everyone else? Why do I do these things to myself?
I cant be like everyone else and it makes me feel so frustrated its not fair. I just want to be able to content with my lot but I cant be I am never satisfied.
My GP has told me to contact him if I have these thoughts I know I should but its 330am on Sunday. Also I am scared of what will happen if I do.
I only want to be happy
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot...
Oooooh Its sooooo HOT!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
I dont mind sunny days when there is that fresh chill in the air like those that we enjoy in the beginning of spring and those beautiful evenings and early mornings in the autumn. How I love the autumn, they to me are the culmination of a years work.
I am the daughter of a farmer having been brought up in this way means I can really see the beauty in the seasons. The Spring for me is the starting point of the year, the beauty of the beginning of life, the starting point of the farming calendar (kinda), the days start to get longer and everyday for the gardeners among us there is something new to gaze upon. Those sunny bright daffodils pop up and sway in the wind a sign of positivity for the year ahead.
Summer, well summer in England, hmm, sometimes we have one. Well its hot now and its 1am my fancy accuweather pop up says its about 19C now. Not sure how accurate it is but I have my fan on the highest setting and its damned hot. Summer is a strange time of the year, sometimes we have intense weather changes such as those devastating floods, other summers we spend in jumpers with the heating on full and then summers like this we spend wishing we had air conditioning and swimming pools.
This intense heat is causing problems for the farming community, crops are struggling to grow, some are peaking too early and not giving the croping rate expected. A lot of people do not realise that farmers are not able to insure themselves against this, a growing crop cannot be insured. The fallacy that all farmers are wealthy is simply that a FALLACY!
(whoops sorry got a bit carried away there)
Autumn is a beautiful season, 'a season of mists and mellow fruitfulness'. The rich colours of the trees peeking through the pre dawn mists. The rich smell of the fruits ripe and heavy on the trees, the dust rising behind the combines and the smell of harvest. For me this time of year floods me with memories, those long evenings as a child being allowed to stay up late, the yard on the farm flooded with light in which the harvest dust danced. The smell of the warm freshly harvested wheat as it was poured like liquid into the sheds, the occasional honour of being allowed to stay up late and join my father for his late tea at 10pm.
Even now the aroma of my wheat bag when warm fills me with those comforting memories of childhood.
Then winter arrives, those cold chilly mornings when getting out of bed is a nightmare, looking out when making the morning coffee to see crispy grass and plants all sparkling with the frost.
Ahh the seasons of the year are so beautiful all in their own way but when its hot like this... Ahh no fun!
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