Been a long time since i posted anything here. Things have changed a lot the gallbladder is gone, personal relationships have changed and developed and counselling has begun.
Still off work, on ESA now which creates a myriad of feelings inside me. I am now a scoungey no hoper, I do still have a job, but tbh I would sooner not as the place still terrifies me.
Counselling is funded by my employer too which makes it complicated. I am honest with her and she is good but sadly her aim is to get me in a state which means I am of use and can return to work. I am kinda restricted on how much I open up to her and that is my doing, I always fear people getting too close, seeing the real me, maybe because I don;t know who the real me is or maybe because deep down I do know and despise her. My counsellor gives me all this bull about me having a beautiful soul, a warm heart etc it is as if she thinks I am lame enough to believe her and not the see the true me staring me in the face.
I know today is a seriously bad day as I have no drive, I have a little spurt and then seem to crash into a brick wall. Maybe I am showing traits of Bi-polar, I sometimes wonder as I get manic highs, I will do lots, feel happy and bouncy and even feel positive about the future and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out of my world and everything seems to collapse around me. I go thru mad phases of taking up new hobbies and then loose interest as quickly as they begin. Last week I tore all the wallpaper off in my hall and then this week I have no interest in finishing the preperation for redecoration.
My self harm is on the rise again even though I have no reasons whatsoever to be unhappy but I bloody am. I even cried tonight, yes i shed a tear now and again but I full on sobbed like a child.
I had so many chances a year ago.. I was on my way to getting a good role at work, was promised lots of courses, training and had enough respect to finally get myself on the promotion ladder, now look at me. 9 months off work.. fearful of even going on the site, the idea of going in my office makes me feel sick. Just as I always do as soon as something is going good in my life I toss it down the drain. Its a miracle I have stayed clean for so long. Mind you, the desire to get off my face on any substance going right now is running high in my mind.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Plate Tectonics
Jeeeez Bloggy I am so sorry I have really really neglected you..
(Big Blog Cuddles)
Things have been so manic here, after my last post --- my sisters baby was fine, my cousin and her fella are still separated and she is dealing with it really well considering.
I have been in hospital too. Went in on the Friday morning after a night of agony awake and well, they had me tested, x rayed, ECG'd and wired up on a drip on the clinical admissions unit within 3 hours of going in. Apparently I had a very inflamed gallbladder, which no doubt explains all the intense pain I was suffering with. I was on a saline, antibiotic and paracetamol drip for about 36 hours during which I was totally nil-by-mouth and then after two nights in I managed to convince the Dr I would rest at home. He was so insistent about keeping me in especially as my blood pressure was low but I talked him round with a few tears and promises.
I have now been put on his consultancy list and am going for another ultrasound scan 6th Oct and then I am hoping it should be pretty quick to getting the op. He estimated in hospital 6-8 weeks and its nearly 2 now so I should be chopped before Christmas. Fingers crossed everyone.
Soooo... Well after I got home I spent a week bored out my brain but so dosed up I did little more than rest, sleep, rest and learnt to crochet. Random I know but it has kept me occupied.
Not a lot has been happening, feel like I have lost touch with a few people but with the hospital admission and then this last 3 days being cut off the internet and the depression which surprisingly enough went through the roof during my being laid up I have been a bit isolated.
My Open Uni course officially begins this weekend, I have to admit I am very worried about making a big screw up of it all despite outside appearances I am sh@t scared of failing again after last years debacle. I am almost scared to start it which is a sure fire way to shoot it up in flames.
Anyhow I am still alive, I am still suffering with the wonderful.. Oh I am tired.. go to bed... Oh hell I cannot sleep... get up again.
I haven't a lot else to share with you really Bloggy, I guess this is as exciting as it gets for me right now lol.
Big Loves
x
(Big Blog Cuddles)
Things have been so manic here, after my last post --- my sisters baby was fine, my cousin and her fella are still separated and she is dealing with it really well considering.
I have been in hospital too. Went in on the Friday morning after a night of agony awake and well, they had me tested, x rayed, ECG'd and wired up on a drip on the clinical admissions unit within 3 hours of going in. Apparently I had a very inflamed gallbladder, which no doubt explains all the intense pain I was suffering with. I was on a saline, antibiotic and paracetamol drip for about 36 hours during which I was totally nil-by-mouth and then after two nights in I managed to convince the Dr I would rest at home. He was so insistent about keeping me in especially as my blood pressure was low but I talked him round with a few tears and promises.
I have now been put on his consultancy list and am going for another ultrasound scan 6th Oct and then I am hoping it should be pretty quick to getting the op. He estimated in hospital 6-8 weeks and its nearly 2 now so I should be chopped before Christmas. Fingers crossed everyone.
Soooo... Well after I got home I spent a week bored out my brain but so dosed up I did little more than rest, sleep, rest and learnt to crochet. Random I know but it has kept me occupied.
Not a lot has been happening, feel like I have lost touch with a few people but with the hospital admission and then this last 3 days being cut off the internet and the depression which surprisingly enough went through the roof during my being laid up I have been a bit isolated.
My Open Uni course officially begins this weekend, I have to admit I am very worried about making a big screw up of it all despite outside appearances I am sh@t scared of failing again after last years debacle. I am almost scared to start it which is a sure fire way to shoot it up in flames.
Anyhow I am still alive, I am still suffering with the wonderful.. Oh I am tired.. go to bed... Oh hell I cannot sleep... get up again.
I haven't a lot else to share with you really Bloggy, I guess this is as exciting as it gets for me right now lol.
Big Loves
x
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Snowballs
Hello Bloggy,
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Paper moon and candyfloss clouds
Hello Bloggy,
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
....
Hey Bloggy,
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Friday, 3 September 2010
HONESTY
Jeeeeeeeez... If I don't share my worries I won't be able to deal with them. That is why I started this blog in the first flaming place...
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
Hmm the head vs reality
Hello Bloggy,
Im back and feeling a bit more with it. Yeah stuff is still happening but I am sleeping more which makes me turn from little miss manic depressive whingy to a slightly more 'normal' person. Well as normal as I ever get anyway.
The gallbladder pain eased off a bit and although I am still getting bursts of pain from it the crazy whole weekend of agnoy and sleep depriving pain has eased which is a wonderful thing. Ironically I got the first period in about 2 or 3 years on Tuesday which has caused lots of pain but its different..lol.
I have used different contraceptives to control my periods for a long time and the last one was Depo-Provera, It has a wonderful side effect of actually stopping your periods, although be careful I didn't know until afterward's it can have a bad impact on fertility. Anyway now I am having a proper period which reminds me why I hated them in the first place but oh, well.
It makes me feel jealous of men, not only can they pee anywhere (pretty much) but don't have periods,... hmm!
I have had a meeting with my work today, seeing both the occupational health nurse and the HR big guy. I was petrified of going to the point I felt sick this morning and was having strong self harm thoughts all night long. Baddd.
It actually was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. My Occ Health lady was very supportive and told me about her son who has severe depression so she has a good understanding of how it affects someones life. I was totally honest with her and told her I was very frightened about the meeting and she could not have been nicer. Typical depression head there, telling me the worst as usual. The HR man discussed my work problems and assured me issues where being dealt with, he even praised my work and emphasised how much they want me back but in a healthy way. He asked me to speak openly and I took that chance and told him about my worries in the department, the problems I see and then asked him the big question...
Are you going to sack me?
He laughed and rushed to reassure me NO. I was relieved, I know I have spoken about not wanting to return there but being back today made me realise how much I miss everyone and the place. He and the nurse both agreed though I was not anywhere near ready to return yet and are going to arrange a fortnightly meeting with me and nursey to discuss and monitor my progress and keep open better communication. Thats a bit relief as I have felt as if they where disregarding me as contact has been so little.
So, feeling good about that.
Worried about something else, but its not me if I am not worried. I wont share that here though...
Hugs xx
Im back and feeling a bit more with it. Yeah stuff is still happening but I am sleeping more which makes me turn from little miss manic depressive whingy to a slightly more 'normal' person. Well as normal as I ever get anyway.
The gallbladder pain eased off a bit and although I am still getting bursts of pain from it the crazy whole weekend of agnoy and sleep depriving pain has eased which is a wonderful thing. Ironically I got the first period in about 2 or 3 years on Tuesday which has caused lots of pain but its different..lol.
I have used different contraceptives to control my periods for a long time and the last one was Depo-Provera, It has a wonderful side effect of actually stopping your periods, although be careful I didn't know until afterward's it can have a bad impact on fertility. Anyway now I am having a proper period which reminds me why I hated them in the first place but oh, well.
It makes me feel jealous of men, not only can they pee anywhere (pretty much) but don't have periods,... hmm!
I have had a meeting with my work today, seeing both the occupational health nurse and the HR big guy. I was petrified of going to the point I felt sick this morning and was having strong self harm thoughts all night long. Baddd.
It actually was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. My Occ Health lady was very supportive and told me about her son who has severe depression so she has a good understanding of how it affects someones life. I was totally honest with her and told her I was very frightened about the meeting and she could not have been nicer. Typical depression head there, telling me the worst as usual. The HR man discussed my work problems and assured me issues where being dealt with, he even praised my work and emphasised how much they want me back but in a healthy way. He asked me to speak openly and I took that chance and told him about my worries in the department, the problems I see and then asked him the big question...
Are you going to sack me?
He laughed and rushed to reassure me NO. I was relieved, I know I have spoken about not wanting to return there but being back today made me realise how much I miss everyone and the place. He and the nurse both agreed though I was not anywhere near ready to return yet and are going to arrange a fortnightly meeting with me and nursey to discuss and monitor my progress and keep open better communication. Thats a bit relief as I have felt as if they where disregarding me as contact has been so little.
So, feeling good about that.
Worried about something else, but its not me if I am not worried. I wont share that here though...
Hugs xx
Monday, 30 August 2010
Frustration
Hello Blog,
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Brrrrrrrrr
Oooo I don't know if it is just me but it seems to be a little bit chilly this evening. Although, then again it is August bank holiday weekend.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
And life goes on...
It is easy for me to become overwhelmed in my own self pity and forget the positive things happening around me and also to me.
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
Saturday, 21 August 2010
How can something so amazing cause so much pain?
Well I am an Auntie.
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
Friday, 20 August 2010
Induced emotions
Apologies first of all little bloggy this week has been a bit roller coaster like and i have neglected you. ((hugs))
I have been filling in forms for the open university so I can get me ass back in to gear and study again and do something positive and enjoyable. Its quite a wierd thing really filling in a form for Disabled Students Allowance when you have depression. The new addition of depression onto the disabled category of those statutes is quite a good and scary thing at the same time, anyhow after a long think and a chat with an Open Uni chappy and I find I am entitled to a mentor, someone to assist me in those dark times when i struggle. Bonus. Just need to see my GP and sort out his bit next week and on we go..
Suffered with a lot of pain this last week too. Although I do have my abdominal scan on Monday evening next week. I am terrified though they will do it and after all this time, all this pain and suffering they find that there is nothing there. In fact as twisted as it sounds I would sooner they find something serious than nothing at all as at least then we can do something about it or at least I will know why it hurts so much.
And now should we move on to the topic which may explain the heading...
I think so. For those of you that have read me before will maybe know my little sister got married last September and is now in the late stages of pregnancy. She has had numerous problems with Gestational Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Protein traces in her urine etc..
Today she went in to see her Midwife and Doctor and her latest protein results are very high, despite the Doctor's mumblings the midwife kicked him to touch and they told her to go fetch her bag she was going in to be induced this afternoon. She knew it would be an induced birth due to the problems but expected another week at least so its sent her, her husband and all the family a bit gaga tbh.
She was induced around half one this afternoon and had a few twinges, she was meant to get another inducement pill thingy at 8.30 tonight but they have decided against it and are looking at breaking her waters now. (just been informed). This is my mothers first grandchild so she is sitting on the edge of her sofa at home unable to settle. She will be going for the birth when it gets closer.
You know, its all great and I am excited for her but I cant help but to admit I have a slight twinge of jealousy deep down inside. I would love to have children so very very much. For me though I wont have such a straightforward chance if I finally have someone who loves me enough and feels comfortable enough with me to go through the medical ordeal a child for me will entail.
Still I will soon be an Auntie and a Godmother for the third time.
This life takes things from us and breaks our hearts and then drops little miracles into the world..
I have been filling in forms for the open university so I can get me ass back in to gear and study again and do something positive and enjoyable. Its quite a wierd thing really filling in a form for Disabled Students Allowance when you have depression. The new addition of depression onto the disabled category of those statutes is quite a good and scary thing at the same time, anyhow after a long think and a chat with an Open Uni chappy and I find I am entitled to a mentor, someone to assist me in those dark times when i struggle. Bonus. Just need to see my GP and sort out his bit next week and on we go..
Suffered with a lot of pain this last week too. Although I do have my abdominal scan on Monday evening next week. I am terrified though they will do it and after all this time, all this pain and suffering they find that there is nothing there. In fact as twisted as it sounds I would sooner they find something serious than nothing at all as at least then we can do something about it or at least I will know why it hurts so much.
And now should we move on to the topic which may explain the heading...
I think so. For those of you that have read me before will maybe know my little sister got married last September and is now in the late stages of pregnancy. She has had numerous problems with Gestational Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Protein traces in her urine etc..
Today she went in to see her Midwife and Doctor and her latest protein results are very high, despite the Doctor's mumblings the midwife kicked him to touch and they told her to go fetch her bag she was going in to be induced this afternoon. She knew it would be an induced birth due to the problems but expected another week at least so its sent her, her husband and all the family a bit gaga tbh.
She was induced around half one this afternoon and had a few twinges, she was meant to get another inducement pill thingy at 8.30 tonight but they have decided against it and are looking at breaking her waters now. (just been informed). This is my mothers first grandchild so she is sitting on the edge of her sofa at home unable to settle. She will be going for the birth when it gets closer.
You know, its all great and I am excited for her but I cant help but to admit I have a slight twinge of jealousy deep down inside. I would love to have children so very very much. For me though I wont have such a straightforward chance if I finally have someone who loves me enough and feels comfortable enough with me to go through the medical ordeal a child for me will entail.
Still I will soon be an Auntie and a Godmother for the third time.
This life takes things from us and breaks our hearts and then drops little miracles into the world..
Saturday, 14 August 2010
The postman...
Hello Blog,
Strange things have been happening since I have been sick off work, which is now nearly cracking on for 3 month, maybe a bit longer to be honest I have lost all concept of time.
My employers have lacked on the contact and support front but things have been changing. I have had a 1% payrise, I have had an offer of free private healthcare and today I have received a 'Peoples Questionnaire'... WTF...
It is meant to be anonymous but it has my department recorded on the top ( my department is only 6 people) also a reference number and all that jazz. I have to complete whether I strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly agree with the statements. These cover all areas from the working environment such as do I have safe storage etc, to management i.e. is my manager good basically and lots of other things inbetween.
I find this all a bit disconcerting, naturally my depression is making me paranoid and I get very suspicious of people and their motives but this is odd. I have been with the company for 5 1/2yrs and have never heard of this before and apparently the results and actions will be published to all employees. My trust is very slim anyway I find it hard to believe anyone, in particular my work really gives a damn about what I think.
Freaky.
On the more positive side I have re-applied to the Open Uni to work on my degree (AGAIN). I completed my level 1 Intro to social science two years ago and then moved onto Business and Economics which I soon had to give up due to work, lack of motivation and all such things. However I have signed up to do a level 2 course in Welfare, Society and Crime and am linking it into a BA in Social Policy and Criminology.
Not only does this subject fascinate me, I devour crime books both fact and fiction and anything about another culture and a persons experiences, but I also think this could be a positive step into moving into an area of work I have only dreamed about.
Maybe I will be fortunate enough to move into working with young offenders, community projects or even rehabilitation centre's.
A girl can dream.
The meeting with the CMHT's employment advisor actually went really well. She is very friendly and spoke to me on an even platform rather than that condescending way some of the mental health proffession seem to adopt. We discussed my problems at work and how she can support me if I decide to return even to the extent of meeting with me and my employers to arrange suitable adjustments. I explained how ashamed I feel for being off work and she reassured me that depression is a real illness and if my doctor views me as unable to work no one can dispute it.
Silly really I have had depression for over ten years now and when I hit these lows which seem to inevitably crop up every two to three years I still struggle to accept it. I have a big issue with self pity and blaming myself for things.
Anyway I have a booklet to fill in covering everything from positive affirmations to noting my current skills and even considering volunteering which would be a good way to get experience in a different working environment and could help with my course.
Anyway, I am all grubby from housework and finally rejecting the dead plants from my doorstep, I suppose them being there for a year is enough... lol..
Bubbly bath time now... xx
Strange things have been happening since I have been sick off work, which is now nearly cracking on for 3 month, maybe a bit longer to be honest I have lost all concept of time.
My employers have lacked on the contact and support front but things have been changing. I have had a 1% payrise, I have had an offer of free private healthcare and today I have received a 'Peoples Questionnaire'... WTF...
It is meant to be anonymous but it has my department recorded on the top ( my department is only 6 people) also a reference number and all that jazz. I have to complete whether I strongly agree, agree, disagree or strongly agree with the statements. These cover all areas from the working environment such as do I have safe storage etc, to management i.e. is my manager good basically and lots of other things inbetween.
I find this all a bit disconcerting, naturally my depression is making me paranoid and I get very suspicious of people and their motives but this is odd. I have been with the company for 5 1/2yrs and have never heard of this before and apparently the results and actions will be published to all employees. My trust is very slim anyway I find it hard to believe anyone, in particular my work really gives a damn about what I think.
Freaky.
On the more positive side I have re-applied to the Open Uni to work on my degree (AGAIN). I completed my level 1 Intro to social science two years ago and then moved onto Business and Economics which I soon had to give up due to work, lack of motivation and all such things. However I have signed up to do a level 2 course in Welfare, Society and Crime and am linking it into a BA in Social Policy and Criminology.
Not only does this subject fascinate me, I devour crime books both fact and fiction and anything about another culture and a persons experiences, but I also think this could be a positive step into moving into an area of work I have only dreamed about.
Maybe I will be fortunate enough to move into working with young offenders, community projects or even rehabilitation centre's.
A girl can dream.
The meeting with the CMHT's employment advisor actually went really well. She is very friendly and spoke to me on an even platform rather than that condescending way some of the mental health proffession seem to adopt. We discussed my problems at work and how she can support me if I decide to return even to the extent of meeting with me and my employers to arrange suitable adjustments. I explained how ashamed I feel for being off work and she reassured me that depression is a real illness and if my doctor views me as unable to work no one can dispute it.
Silly really I have had depression for over ten years now and when I hit these lows which seem to inevitably crop up every two to three years I still struggle to accept it. I have a big issue with self pity and blaming myself for things.
Anyway I have a booklet to fill in covering everything from positive affirmations to noting my current skills and even considering volunteering which would be a good way to get experience in a different working environment and could help with my course.
Anyway, I am all grubby from housework and finally rejecting the dead plants from my doorstep, I suppose them being there for a year is enough... lol..
Bubbly bath time now... xx
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Baking Again
Got the ingredients out, dusted off the cookery book and created this scrummy delicacy today..
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| Starting Point |
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| Heating the fruit, butter and sugar |
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| All mixed ingredients |
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| In the tin |
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| Yum yum yum |
Its a Windy Wednesday
Hey Folks,
I sometimes think that no one reads this but you know it doesn't really matter.
Whats happened since the weekend;
I have a new mobile a Nokia 5800 Xpress Music which is funky and annoying at the same time (new phones often are, I tend to get really comfy with them and then my contracts ready for an upgrade and I cant resist the urge of something new and so it goes on).
My Jinx cat has had the all clear from the vets, he has to stay on specialist food now for life but thats a small price to pay in the whole scheme of things.
I have taken to using a blank word processor document to list the things i have to do everyday. Starting with them in red and slowly changing to green on completion. Its a nice way to see I have achieved things each day and as they are fairly simple to achieve such as 'Take Jinx to Vets', I am feeling positive. I even add things after they have been done as it goes to show although I often feel I am getting nowhere I have done something.
I have applied for a job, just a simple one but I sent in my CV and the letter last night so that too is a real step in the right direction. I am hoping to get a Job offer so I can finally hand in my notice on my current job get out of this sick depressive phase and start again.
I have started a mini eBay empire. Thanks to the motivation of a close friend I have taken the first steps in this by selling off a few items I have at home and am now waiting for some orders to arrive so I can sell more. I am aiming at the adult market and hoping that could maybe be a positive for my future also.
I am getting on well with my parents, I have a massive issue with my dad and feeling I am not ever good enough for him. He does not understand depression and with my being off work I feel I am a failure and an embarrassment to him. Although getting honest about this feeling has led to me finding this is not the case at all. Although it is still pretty hard to accept this, it is almost like a stick i frequently use to beat myself with...
Oh and I have a yummy fruit cake in the oven...
Piccies in the next post
xx
I sometimes think that no one reads this but you know it doesn't really matter.
Whats happened since the weekend;
I have a new mobile a Nokia 5800 Xpress Music which is funky and annoying at the same time (new phones often are, I tend to get really comfy with them and then my contracts ready for an upgrade and I cant resist the urge of something new and so it goes on).
My Jinx cat has had the all clear from the vets, he has to stay on specialist food now for life but thats a small price to pay in the whole scheme of things.
I have taken to using a blank word processor document to list the things i have to do everyday. Starting with them in red and slowly changing to green on completion. Its a nice way to see I have achieved things each day and as they are fairly simple to achieve such as 'Take Jinx to Vets', I am feeling positive. I even add things after they have been done as it goes to show although I often feel I am getting nowhere I have done something.
I have applied for a job, just a simple one but I sent in my CV and the letter last night so that too is a real step in the right direction. I am hoping to get a Job offer so I can finally hand in my notice on my current job get out of this sick depressive phase and start again.
I have started a mini eBay empire. Thanks to the motivation of a close friend I have taken the first steps in this by selling off a few items I have at home and am now waiting for some orders to arrive so I can sell more. I am aiming at the adult market and hoping that could maybe be a positive for my future also.
I am getting on well with my parents, I have a massive issue with my dad and feeling I am not ever good enough for him. He does not understand depression and with my being off work I feel I am a failure and an embarrassment to him. Although getting honest about this feeling has led to me finding this is not the case at all. Although it is still pretty hard to accept this, it is almost like a stick i frequently use to beat myself with...
Oh and I have a yummy fruit cake in the oven...
Piccies in the next post
xx
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Puss Cat is home
Well, since yesterdays post I have fetched home Jinx cat and spent most of the night running round after him. He came home in a big blue victorian collar, one of those big cone things if your not sure what I mean and was still heavily sedated.
As a result he had no sense of balance and was walking around like he was on ice and bumping into things, falling off the sofa and getting stuck trying to enter his covered litter tray. I rushed round making adjustments for him and throwing away his dry biscuits which he is no longer allowed.
Anyone wanting any Iams and Whiskas let me know I have recently bought lots in reduced price offers and he isn't allowed it anymore.
After chatting to my sponsor and seeing him struggle so much getting around the house and looking so, so depressed the collar was off. He was immediately much happier and although still unsteady he was able to drink without drowning himself at the same time.
Now, well now he is sat across from me in the living room, his big sedated eyes are going back to normal size, he has had a good clean and not bothering his sore bits at all. He is having lots of little wees but doesn't seem to be straining like he was prior to the blockage plus having had a catheter in he may well feel like he has a fuller bladder more.
The costs; Well I was fairly surprised to be honest knowing the primary consultation was a minimum of £90 I was preparing myself to be charged £300+ but it came to just over £180. Ok, admittedly not cheap but worth every single penny in my opinion. The special food though that is going to be the big killer. He has to have it for roughly six months but once this has occurred the chance of it happening again is high so it is recommended they stay on the food for life.
£9 for 9 pouches of meat from the vets and he will need two of those a day. A big of time and google has lead me to find some cheaper suppliers but still we are talking of at least a tripling in his normal food costs.
He is worth it though. It is so good to have him home, I spent most of the night awake checking on him and watching him sleep on the bed next to me.
Its all looking up...
As a result he had no sense of balance and was walking around like he was on ice and bumping into things, falling off the sofa and getting stuck trying to enter his covered litter tray. I rushed round making adjustments for him and throwing away his dry biscuits which he is no longer allowed.
Anyone wanting any Iams and Whiskas let me know I have recently bought lots in reduced price offers and he isn't allowed it anymore.
After chatting to my sponsor and seeing him struggle so much getting around the house and looking so, so depressed the collar was off. He was immediately much happier and although still unsteady he was able to drink without drowning himself at the same time.
Now, well now he is sat across from me in the living room, his big sedated eyes are going back to normal size, he has had a good clean and not bothering his sore bits at all. He is having lots of little wees but doesn't seem to be straining like he was prior to the blockage plus having had a catheter in he may well feel like he has a fuller bladder more.
The costs; Well I was fairly surprised to be honest knowing the primary consultation was a minimum of £90 I was preparing myself to be charged £300+ but it came to just over £180. Ok, admittedly not cheap but worth every single penny in my opinion. The special food though that is going to be the big killer. He has to have it for roughly six months but once this has occurred the chance of it happening again is high so it is recommended they stay on the food for life.
£9 for 9 pouches of meat from the vets and he will need two of those a day. A big of time and google has lead me to find some cheaper suppliers but still we are talking of at least a tripling in his normal food costs.
He is worth it though. It is so good to have him home, I spent most of the night awake checking on him and watching him sleep on the bed next to me.
Its all looking up...
Friday, 6 August 2010
Poorly Puss Cat
Had to rush my cat into the emergency vets at 2am Thursday morning. He had been trying to wee all night and he didnt seem to be able to. Close inspection found he was dripping wee and constantly trying to clean his 'boy bits'.
A quick google and spotting the words 'urinary problems in cats can be fatal' and i was zooming my way to the emergency vet clinic with a very subdued cat in tow. For a cat that normally cries and meows whenever he goes in a car he was soooo quiet.
Once at the vets the lovely lady rushed us through and checked him over as he proceeded to spot bits of pee all over her table and her t shirt... whoops. Turns out he had a blocked bladder, something to do with crystals in his urine and apparently its not unusual in male neutered cats.
Had to abandon my poor baby with her while she sedated him and cleared the blockage and popped in a catheter.
Went to see him yesterday afternoon and his notes said 'VERY GRUMPY', lol well i think any man would be if he had a collar round his neck and a pipe shoved down his... 'boy bits'. His little bits where bright red and he was all wet round his rear which was driving him mad as he couldnt clean.
Was meant to be fetching him at 4pm this afternoon but they have had to sedate him to remove the catheter as he is really lashing out at them. Surprising.. I think NOT!
Anyway ten minutes and I can go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He has to be monitored closely and have a special diet but i should find out more today. I am expecting him to be a bit grumpy with me for a while and probably slope off into a quiet corner and recover until he is feeling safer.
Odd, i only said the other day I was going to let his pet insurance lapse as I hadn't used it and am short on money. It runs out at midnight tonight, so as soon as i got home from the vets i renewed it £79 for Gold cover. I have to pay all the costs myself then claim it back but with only a £75 excess. Not bad when the cost of an emergency consultation is £90 before any treatment.
Dare not think how much it is going to be emergency consultation, 1 1/2 nights in the surgery, 2 sedation's, pain killers, catheter, unblocking of wee hole etc... Oh and a special diet for life to prevent it happening again...
Thank god for credit cards and insurance!
*excitedly grabs car keys and rushes to the vets*
A quick google and spotting the words 'urinary problems in cats can be fatal' and i was zooming my way to the emergency vet clinic with a very subdued cat in tow. For a cat that normally cries and meows whenever he goes in a car he was soooo quiet.
Once at the vets the lovely lady rushed us through and checked him over as he proceeded to spot bits of pee all over her table and her t shirt... whoops. Turns out he had a blocked bladder, something to do with crystals in his urine and apparently its not unusual in male neutered cats.
Had to abandon my poor baby with her while she sedated him and cleared the blockage and popped in a catheter.
Went to see him yesterday afternoon and his notes said 'VERY GRUMPY', lol well i think any man would be if he had a collar round his neck and a pipe shoved down his... 'boy bits'. His little bits where bright red and he was all wet round his rear which was driving him mad as he couldnt clean.
Was meant to be fetching him at 4pm this afternoon but they have had to sedate him to remove the catheter as he is really lashing out at them. Surprising.. I think NOT!
Anyway ten minutes and I can go and get him and bring him home where he belongs. He has to be monitored closely and have a special diet but i should find out more today. I am expecting him to be a bit grumpy with me for a while and probably slope off into a quiet corner and recover until he is feeling safer.
Odd, i only said the other day I was going to let his pet insurance lapse as I hadn't used it and am short on money. It runs out at midnight tonight, so as soon as i got home from the vets i renewed it £79 for Gold cover. I have to pay all the costs myself then claim it back but with only a £75 excess. Not bad when the cost of an emergency consultation is £90 before any treatment.
Dare not think how much it is going to be emergency consultation, 1 1/2 nights in the surgery, 2 sedation's, pain killers, catheter, unblocking of wee hole etc... Oh and a special diet for life to prevent it happening again...
Thank god for credit cards and insurance!
*excitedly grabs car keys and rushes to the vets*
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