Hello Bloggy,
Im back and feeling a bit more with it. Yeah stuff is still happening but I am sleeping more which makes me turn from little miss manic depressive whingy to a slightly more 'normal' person. Well as normal as I ever get anyway.
The gallbladder pain eased off a bit and although I am still getting bursts of pain from it the crazy whole weekend of agnoy and sleep depriving pain has eased which is a wonderful thing. Ironically I got the first period in about 2 or 3 years on Tuesday which has caused lots of pain but its different..lol.
I have used different contraceptives to control my periods for a long time and the last one was Depo-Provera, It has a wonderful side effect of actually stopping your periods, although be careful I didn't know until afterward's it can have a bad impact on fertility. Anyway now I am having a proper period which reminds me why I hated them in the first place but oh, well.
It makes me feel jealous of men, not only can they pee anywhere (pretty much) but don't have periods,... hmm!
I have had a meeting with my work today, seeing both the occupational health nurse and the HR big guy. I was petrified of going to the point I felt sick this morning and was having strong self harm thoughts all night long. Baddd.
It actually was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated. My Occ Health lady was very supportive and told me about her son who has severe depression so she has a good understanding of how it affects someones life. I was totally honest with her and told her I was very frightened about the meeting and she could not have been nicer. Typical depression head there, telling me the worst as usual. The HR man discussed my work problems and assured me issues where being dealt with, he even praised my work and emphasised how much they want me back but in a healthy way. He asked me to speak openly and I took that chance and told him about my worries in the department, the problems I see and then asked him the big question...
Are you going to sack me?
He laughed and rushed to reassure me NO. I was relieved, I know I have spoken about not wanting to return there but being back today made me realise how much I miss everyone and the place. He and the nurse both agreed though I was not anywhere near ready to return yet and are going to arrange a fortnightly meeting with me and nursey to discuss and monitor my progress and keep open better communication. Thats a bit relief as I have felt as if they where disregarding me as contact has been so little.
So, feeling good about that.
Worried about something else, but its not me if I am not worried. I wont share that here though...
Hugs xx
Friday, 3 September 2010
Monday, 30 August 2010
Frustration
Hello Blog,
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Well I had a whole list of things that I wanted to complete today. With my depression I find having a list of tasks to work from and also tick off helps keep my focus and gives me a feeling of satisfaction when I look down and see little ticks appearing.
Today though has not been as successful as I had anticipated, I had a terrible night last night with my gallstone pain and despite going to be at 2am feeling tired I was still awake at 6am. Not a wink of sleep had been achieved. Fortunately I managed a bit at ended up getting about 3 hours altogether. With lots of waking and nodding back off.
Anyway my, probably over ambitious list is still quite long. I did get my ironing done while watching the Grand Prix but not a great deal else. Its very frustrating, the pain, the fatigue, the not being able to sleep due to the pain its a really unpleasant catch 22.
One big job I want to complete is the overhaul of my study. Its a real mess right now with camping gear scattered around, piles of paperwork which needs to be filed properly and a desk and desk drawers which need a complete sort out. I want to get this done so that I can assess what materials I have for my open university course i.e. post its, highlighters, paper, and prepare a nice organised work space in which I can concentrate and work without too many distractions.
My printer also needs sorting out, for some reason it is not responding to my print requests so I need to maybe remove and install the software again and see if that can resolve the issue.
Sadly this pain is taking over my life and the days are passing in a blur no sleep, incredible fatigue and finally caving in to pain killers.
The operation really cannot come soon enough.
On a more positive note, this little Bunny was enjoying my garden yesterday morning;
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Brrrrrrrrr
Oooo I don't know if it is just me but it seems to be a little bit chilly this evening. Although, then again it is August bank holiday weekend.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Well I have seem my GP as previously mentioned and it looks as if this little blogger is going to be having her gallbladder removed. Might help me loose a pound or two lol.
I have to admit the idea of having it removed is quite scary, although as yet I am only at the referal stage so it means I have to wait for the 'Choices' system to contact me, then get on the phone and find the most convenient hospital with the shortest waiting list etc. As yet though it does not seem all that real maybe that will be changing when I have Consultant appointments and hospital dates to consider.
Spent some more time with neice today which was special, cuddles galore. I even got a smile, my sister said it was wind but it still warmed my heart.
Also today, someone touched my heart in the most gentlest way ever.
My aunt is not renowned for her thoughtfulness, she never remembers mine nor my fathers birthday so we never get cards despite my mother and sister always doing so. She is always very aloof from the rest of the family but today she showed me a kindness which touched me greatly.
I had spent time with my niece and sister then came home to rest when my gallstone pain became strong and if I am honest, I wanted to give my sister and mum time to discuss baby things without worrying about my feelings.
My mum called later with a card for me. Several members of the family had dropped in to see the new member of the family and my aunt had brought a card for me. 'Congratulations on becoming an Auntie'.
This aunt who bought it for me I feel understands me a little despite my previous judgment of her. She struggled for 17 years to conceive eventually succeeding. When I was born she visited my Mum in hospital, held baby me and sobbed, so desperate was she for a child of her own.
Today therefore I am feeling loved and understood by someone who I thought had forgotten all about me. During this time of high emotion and joy that has touched me so very deeply.
It has taught me that I need to reserve judgment for people as it is easy to dismiss people but never really understand their hearts.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
And life goes on...
It is easy for me to become overwhelmed in my own self pity and forget the positive things happening around me and also to me.
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
When I am wrapped up in my own personal emotional turmoil I seem to allow my life to stop, frozen in place, my entire being and world defined by that one emotion. I switch off to those around me and become very self absorbed. Not a nice personality trait but one I am learning I have to admit and therefore I am better able to acknowledge when it happens and deal with it.
Time to sing the joys of blogging - yet again.
Saturday morning when I wrote about the birth of niece I was filled with envy, self pity and unable to see the beauty in the situation. After writing and almost purging the negativity I was feeling I felt calmer, more at peace as if somehow the writing of the emotions was a very cathartic experience.
This is a 'tool' often recommended in NA, the theraputic value of sharing your feelings and expressing them rather than allowing them to simmer inside, growing and becoming more difficult to manage. When it is 5am on a Saturday morning as loving as people are in NA I wasn't going to call any of my friends, this blog once again came into its own.
This week so far has been most enlightening. I have met the most beautiful new member of our family, the envy is still there but it is under control and I am now able to appreciate the pleasure my niece can give to us all.
After a very tiring weekend I went to the hospital Monday evening for my long awaited abdominal ultrasound scan. I was very anxious about this, my biggest fear oddly enough was that they would not find anything and the pain would be continual. Fortunately the nurse found out that I have a number of stones in my gallbladder, so my official diagnosis is gallstones. Hurrah, a reason for this intense pain over the last three and a half months.
I have an appointment to see my GP on Friday of this week so hopefully he will have the report from the hospital and we can discuss where we go from here. I am still in a lot pain but the knowledge of what is causing it and the knowledge that there are fairly straightforward (ish) treatment options is very reassuring.
Also Monday evening I got invited for a job interview, which I have attended today. I think today was more a case of a checking me out kind of thing. I will know by Thursday of next week whether I have reached round two, so fingers crossed for me please folks.
That's enough from me for now, catch you soon Blog xx
Saturday, 21 August 2010
How can something so amazing cause so much pain?
Well I am an Auntie.
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
My little sisters baby arrived this morning at just past 4am, seems that the inducement worked a treat and now my little sister is not just a Wife but also a Mother.
My mum called me, I could hear the baby crying in the background. I asked if I could go, my mum gave me instructions to get the sat nav and my sisters voice broke in, no, she cant come now. Wait until morning.
Perfectly logical seeing as I would not be able to access the maternity unit until visiting hours. I laid back down in bed, I haven't slept yet tonight. Ironically I was woken yesterday morning by thunder. I tried to relax and rest, feel joy and thank my Higher Power for babies safe arrival, my sister getting through the labour and what happened I began to cry.
I thought maybe oh, this is normal, you know like tears of joy and then I felt it. I always thought people where being over dramatic when they use the phrase 'something died inside', now I know it is true, I felt something inside me die.
What the hell is wrong with me!!
Why can't I just be happy for her, my little sister who I love so much. She has everything now she has ever dreamed of, a loving husband and a baby girl. To her that is her life completed. I remember as children we used to joke she would not be the one to settle down and have children. Then as we grew up things changed, we both altered. I became the one that was academic whereas my sister was much more practical. She attracted the guys and as we reached our late teens she was hardly ever alone, unlike me. I told everyone I wanted to study, work etc no time for men.
Shortly after I started my 20's I was diagnosed with severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) during my first diagnosis scan I was told my ovaries where like bunches of grapes. I had always had period problems so wasn't surprised. In fact in my mid teens when things seemed to be wrong I announced I wanted a career no children, I repeated it so many times I came to believe it. I tried to fall pregnant in my early 20's three years of a relationship and nothing happened. He always said it was him but he is now a father.
Treatments varied but mainly focused on contraceptive medications, the pill, injections and the like. When I got to my late 20's the urge to be a mother began to grow eventually overwhelming me. I got to 30, started swinging and found a man willing to take advantage. We began an affair, him proudly telling me he could give me a child and me being so desperate believed him.
Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me and I put an end to it. My sister became a married woman and soon after I got the text. She was pregnant and it was special as after her husband she told me before our parents, before anyone else. I buried my jealousy, I have brought her and the baby beautiful things, spent time with her picking out little outfits, attended her 4D scan with her and her husband. She knows for me a child is something that would mean a lot of medical assistance and even then may never come. Injections of Depo-Provera have long worn off and no sign of a period. No evidence I am fertile.
I have been coping really well. Maybe now I can see how much I have switched off my personal feelings and now it hurts like nothing has ever before.
I am an awful sister as all I feel is intense jealousy. Even worse who do I tell. No-one. I cannot tell my sister as it will hurt her and she will find herself hesitating in sharing those special moments with me.
My mum knows I desperately want a baby of my own, bless her soul she has even said she would have one for me if she could but she is full of joy, her first granddaughter has arrived. I would be evil to spoil such a beautiful moment for her.
So here I am expressing my disgusting self in relative anonymity.
Thanks for listening Blog your a lifesaver...
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