Been a long time since i posted anything here. Things have changed a lot the gallbladder is gone, personal relationships have changed and developed and counselling has begun.
Still off work, on ESA now which creates a myriad of feelings inside me. I am now a scoungey no hoper, I do still have a job, but tbh I would sooner not as the place still terrifies me.
Counselling is funded by my employer too which makes it complicated. I am honest with her and she is good but sadly her aim is to get me in a state which means I am of use and can return to work. I am kinda restricted on how much I open up to her and that is my doing, I always fear people getting too close, seeing the real me, maybe because I don;t know who the real me is or maybe because deep down I do know and despise her. My counsellor gives me all this bull about me having a beautiful soul, a warm heart etc it is as if she thinks I am lame enough to believe her and not the see the true me staring me in the face.
I know today is a seriously bad day as I have no drive, I have a little spurt and then seem to crash into a brick wall. Maybe I am showing traits of Bi-polar, I sometimes wonder as I get manic highs, I will do lots, feel happy and bouncy and even feel positive about the future and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out of my world and everything seems to collapse around me. I go thru mad phases of taking up new hobbies and then loose interest as quickly as they begin. Last week I tore all the wallpaper off in my hall and then this week I have no interest in finishing the preperation for redecoration.
My self harm is on the rise again even though I have no reasons whatsoever to be unhappy but I bloody am. I even cried tonight, yes i shed a tear now and again but I full on sobbed like a child.
I had so many chances a year ago.. I was on my way to getting a good role at work, was promised lots of courses, training and had enough respect to finally get myself on the promotion ladder, now look at me. 9 months off work.. fearful of even going on the site, the idea of going in my office makes me feel sick. Just as I always do as soon as something is going good in my life I toss it down the drain. Its a miracle I have stayed clean for so long. Mind you, the desire to get off my face on any substance going right now is running high in my mind.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Plate Tectonics
Jeeeez Bloggy I am so sorry I have really really neglected you..
(Big Blog Cuddles)
Things have been so manic here, after my last post --- my sisters baby was fine, my cousin and her fella are still separated and she is dealing with it really well considering.
I have been in hospital too. Went in on the Friday morning after a night of agony awake and well, they had me tested, x rayed, ECG'd and wired up on a drip on the clinical admissions unit within 3 hours of going in. Apparently I had a very inflamed gallbladder, which no doubt explains all the intense pain I was suffering with. I was on a saline, antibiotic and paracetamol drip for about 36 hours during which I was totally nil-by-mouth and then after two nights in I managed to convince the Dr I would rest at home. He was so insistent about keeping me in especially as my blood pressure was low but I talked him round with a few tears and promises.
I have now been put on his consultancy list and am going for another ultrasound scan 6th Oct and then I am hoping it should be pretty quick to getting the op. He estimated in hospital 6-8 weeks and its nearly 2 now so I should be chopped before Christmas. Fingers crossed everyone.
Soooo... Well after I got home I spent a week bored out my brain but so dosed up I did little more than rest, sleep, rest and learnt to crochet. Random I know but it has kept me occupied.
Not a lot has been happening, feel like I have lost touch with a few people but with the hospital admission and then this last 3 days being cut off the internet and the depression which surprisingly enough went through the roof during my being laid up I have been a bit isolated.
My Open Uni course officially begins this weekend, I have to admit I am very worried about making a big screw up of it all despite outside appearances I am sh@t scared of failing again after last years debacle. I am almost scared to start it which is a sure fire way to shoot it up in flames.
Anyhow I am still alive, I am still suffering with the wonderful.. Oh I am tired.. go to bed... Oh hell I cannot sleep... get up again.
I haven't a lot else to share with you really Bloggy, I guess this is as exciting as it gets for me right now lol.
Big Loves
x
(Big Blog Cuddles)
Things have been so manic here, after my last post --- my sisters baby was fine, my cousin and her fella are still separated and she is dealing with it really well considering.
I have been in hospital too. Went in on the Friday morning after a night of agony awake and well, they had me tested, x rayed, ECG'd and wired up on a drip on the clinical admissions unit within 3 hours of going in. Apparently I had a very inflamed gallbladder, which no doubt explains all the intense pain I was suffering with. I was on a saline, antibiotic and paracetamol drip for about 36 hours during which I was totally nil-by-mouth and then after two nights in I managed to convince the Dr I would rest at home. He was so insistent about keeping me in especially as my blood pressure was low but I talked him round with a few tears and promises.
I have now been put on his consultancy list and am going for another ultrasound scan 6th Oct and then I am hoping it should be pretty quick to getting the op. He estimated in hospital 6-8 weeks and its nearly 2 now so I should be chopped before Christmas. Fingers crossed everyone.
Soooo... Well after I got home I spent a week bored out my brain but so dosed up I did little more than rest, sleep, rest and learnt to crochet. Random I know but it has kept me occupied.
Not a lot has been happening, feel like I have lost touch with a few people but with the hospital admission and then this last 3 days being cut off the internet and the depression which surprisingly enough went through the roof during my being laid up I have been a bit isolated.
My Open Uni course officially begins this weekend, I have to admit I am very worried about making a big screw up of it all despite outside appearances I am sh@t scared of failing again after last years debacle. I am almost scared to start it which is a sure fire way to shoot it up in flames.
Anyhow I am still alive, I am still suffering with the wonderful.. Oh I am tired.. go to bed... Oh hell I cannot sleep... get up again.
I haven't a lot else to share with you really Bloggy, I guess this is as exciting as it gets for me right now lol.
Big Loves
x
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Snowballs
Hello Bloggy,
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
I don't know why but this seems to be the week from hell for many people I care about greatly. Did I miss the full moon which sends us all slightly barmy?
Firstly there is my cousin finally admitting to her boyfriend of ten years and father of her two children that she no longer loves him. A biggy I know has been coming for quite some time as I am blessed to be as close to her as I am my real sister, maybe closer to be honest. An argument they had escalated and she just told him how she felt. Her intention was to wait longer so that she could prepare herself both mentally and financially. Harsh maybe but when you have two daughters age 8 and 2 you have to consider finances. Anyhow, last night I went over to provide a shoulder and an ear and am preparing to help her however I can.
Today my sister had a accident with her 3 week old baby. My sister fell asleep with her on her lap and baby slipped off onto the fall banging her head. She rushed her to the hospital and is staying in overnight only as a precaution, if baby was 2 months old they would be allowed to go home but as she is so young they need to monitor her for 24 hours.
Well with all this I don't need anything else but noooooooooooooooo that would be far too simple. I am now turning a fetching shade of yellow..!!!
I have been suffering with the gallstones for a few days more severely than I normally have been experiencing. I have had nausea but fortunately no vomiting, bloating, dizziness, hot and cold flushes and yesterday I was convinced the whites of my eyes looked odd. They seemed bloodshot and a bit off colour in general. Just looking at myself now I think I have a yellowish tinge to my skin too now. I might be seeing something which is not there so am not going to do anything about it now. I will wait until mum is about tomorrow and ask for her opinion. Saying this though at my NA meeting tonight a couple of people commented I looked quite sick, one who has had his gallbladder removed due to gallstones himself seems to think I have poisons backing up from my liver.
I don't know what to think, am I seeing what I think is there because I know these are signs of acute gallstone problems or are they really there. Who knows but I feel terrible.
Saturday, 11 September 2010
Paper moon and candyfloss clouds
Hello Bloggy,
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
I am pants at thinking of titles so I have decided from now on to apply the most random thing that I can think of instead.
Things have been ok-ish this week, had my big downer mid week which was evident in my happy little bunny post. I was going to apologise there but I am not, this is my blog and my space to get out those random insane thoughts I have be they happy ones or sad. I am not writing this to seek anyone's approval or love or admiration so as a step in the right direction I am going to try and allow my feelings to flow and not feel guilt for them. (see how long it lasts eh?... lol)
Anyways, I have been working hard this week on changing my lifestyle. I know I have to be more sensible with money so I have joined a forum and am doing a few things to help me. I find if I try these on my own I don't get anywhere as I have no support or motivation and I need those to succeed. I am on SSP (statutary sick pay) about £70 a week a big income drop for me as my take home was roughly £300 a week.
I was sensible with money before and have savings put aside for emergencies and it was for a new car as I hate credit so was hoping to save up a fair amount in advance so only a smallish finance agreement was needed. Anyway no new car now, mine works ok.
I digress, which makes a change, I am now limiting my spends on groceries and am much more aware about planning meals particularly on the reduced/minimal fat diet too. I have also been making stews, rice salads (for stir frying and eating cold), cooking batches of meat and freezing in portions, basically I am trying to fill my freezer with lots of delicious but healthy foods so post operation I do not have to cook or rely too much on others. Doing this has revived my love of baking and cooking so I have also been making a lot more things and being a lot less wasteful.
For example I made a low fat fish pie on Wednesday,... it was a real let down so I ate some for my tea and had two portions remaining. The left over I added paprika, crushed ritz crackers and seasoning, shaped into patties and dipped in flour before frying into fish cakes. Delicious. I have a batch of fish cakes in the freezer now too.
It is quite surprising once you let your imagination run riot just what you can make with those left overs. Like tonight, I used up the dodgy spring onions, a courgette, some bacon and prawns and made a frittata which was lovely too.
It is kinda wierd I was thinking today just how happy I would be as a 1950's housewife. I love to cook for others and make the best with what I have. I love foraging, brambles from a hedge today and some cooking apples from the garden and I made a fruit tart. The simple life eh?
I got messed about a bit today with the hospital. I got three seperate letters from the gallstone clinic. One telling me I had an appt on 6th Oct (which I knew), one telling me it was cancelled and changed to 3rd Nov (not impressed), then another saying it was cancelled again and changed to Nov 17th. NOT HAPPY.
For a start why didnt they send one letter it was all dated the same for godsake... no wonder the NHS is short of money!!!
Anyway I am in so much pain still I cannot cope till Nov, I'd be lucky to get an op before Christmas then. I rang my GP Surgery spoke to the refferals admin and am now going to another hospital further away but 24th Sept. Even sooner than the original appointment. It kinda made me mad as she offered me four different times for that day. I do hope other waiting and delayed patients did the same.
I am also reducing my anti depressants to see if it helps my sleeping problems a bit, Doc is aware. I am on 40mg of Citalopram a day which I am dropping to 30mg. I haven't told my family as my mum is so scared about me doing anything, it does cross my mind a lot but I know it won't help things now. I am suffering a bit though. The sleep I know will take a fair while to adjust but I am suffering bouts of dizziness and confusion. I am also having strong vivid nightmares too. I will get through it though I hope, just need to be very aware of it and not rush so much like I did earlier rushing out of bed and hitting a wall in my confusion...lol.
Oh well.. I am off to go and photograph some things for ebay and take some more painkillers as this pain is not easing tonight and if I cant sleep I may as well do something useful.
Big Loves Bloggy xx
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
....
Hey Bloggy,
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Yeah its stupid o'clock again. I am awake. I can't seem to sleep even when I am really tired.
Toddled off to bed, read for a bit and snuggled down about 1am, then got too hot, moved duvet, got too cold, got uncomfortable, moved position etc etc you get the idea.
Got myself out of bed around 2am in frustration.
Been following a reduced fat diet for the last two days which has helped the pain of those darned gallstones but they still hurt. Plus I have been a bit depressed so ate a bar of chocolate tonight which obviously wont help so that made me more depressed.
I have got the first set of books for my Open Uni course and had a perusal. Seems ok-ish. Just need to keep that depressive mood from telling me all those negative things and not get too freaked out before it all starts in October.
I dont have a Consultants appointment for the gallstones until October 6th which although its only a month, seems such a very long way off. I am not sure how much longer I can put up with the pain and depression really.
Scuse the bad punctuation etc I am not really with it and to be honest not really in the mood to give a damn about it anyway.
Try more sleep, fingers crossed x
Friday, 3 September 2010
HONESTY
Jeeeeeeeez... If I don't share my worries I won't be able to deal with them. That is why I started this blog in the first flaming place...
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
Ok, other worry...
I am jealous of a baby. Lol... Got to laugh really it is stupid when I write it down.
I think I will leave it there but its out..
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